Mommy Porn

The other day one of my friends asked for a kindle book recommendation. I of course made a wise crack about porn. Oh yes, my obsession over porn is well known among my family and friends. Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I have porn on the television or computer 24/7 but yes…if you pick up my kindle you will find several free books that I have downloaded about achieving a better orgasm and making your sex life better. Kitty is pretty open and honest about sex with my kids. Again, I don’t rub their faces in it and I am not signing them up for Ashley Madison but if any of them ever have questions, they know they can come to me and ask and I will give them an honest and (sometimes too graphic for their liking) answer.

So anyway one of my friends recommended the book series “Shades of Grey”. She called it “Mommy Porn”. Kitty thought that was funny so I decided to look into it. Well can I just tell you that considering these books are on the “New York Times Best Sellers” list I am pleasantly surprised. Oh, Kitty is only 26% through the book according to my kindle but I am enjoying every sexually explicit page.

I mentioned the book to XXX and his tight ass assistant who also heard the book was good. Sure enough XXX asked if it is straight out porn or on the “New York Times Best Sellers” list. I was happy to report that I was reading a somewhat reputable book for a change. XXX is forever trying to make me an intellectual like him. This may be as close as I get.

So I wanted to recommend to all of you that if you are looking for something sexy to read but something that you can read in front of your “vanilla crowd” start with “Fifty Shades of Grey”. You won’t be disappointed.

“We Bought a Zoo”

Kitty took the kids to see “We Bought a Zoo”. Kitty was a blubbering mess. Little known Kitty fact…I am hard as nails on the outside but completely sensitive on the inside. It’s not always something I am proud of and one of the very reasons I started prowling was to try to toughen up. It seems to have made things worse.

Anyway, I cried through the ENTIRE movie. My kids thought this was hysterical as did all the people we ran into that we knew on the way out of the theatre. I told everybody I was crying because I realized I will never sleep with Matt Damon but I think they knew better.

Most of the people who really know me will assume right off the bat that I cried over the animals. Yeah, Kitty is a huge animal lover. My Ex used to make fun of me because I refused to watch a movie like “Single White Female” because there was a puppy in it. He said, “you can watch mob movies night and day but throw an animal in there and you fall to pieces.” As usual the Ex was correct.

Sure, I was crying over the animals and their dilemmas (I am trying not to give away too much of the plot for those of you who might go see the movie) but the story line of Matt Damon mourning his dead wife struck home for Kitty as well.

See, Kitty believe it or not is a big believer in karma…I know RIGHT! And Kitty’s worse fear is that I will die from some awful form of cancer or Alzheimers and not live to see my children grow up. I know. Kitty has an active imagination. At any rate the fact that this is the story line of the movie sort of put Kitty over the edge. And the fact that Kitty has some pretty bad karma coming my way…well….you get the point.

Another thing that really struck me had to do with Angry Guy. I have to say that Angry Guy loves me like Matt Damon loved his dead wife. If anything happened to me I truly believe Angry Guy would fall to pieces. I think the dude loves me; he just doesn’t want to fuck me. Pretty fucked up wouldn’t you say?

Ah so you can see how I tortured myself throughout this movie to the point of becoming a blubbering mess. Like I told my kids, “I’m crying because I will never sleep with Matt Damon. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!”

P.S. I highly recommend the movie. Scarlett Johansen was hot if nothing else.

Tube of Lube

I have to admit that I am a girl who loves toys. Yes, ALL SORTS of toys! Up until recently I never needed or used lube…you know LUBRICANT! I still don’t NEED it but received a tube of KY Warming jelly sort of as a joke gift for Valentine’s Day.

Guess what, this stuff is NO JOKE! I am totally addicted to it. I can’t even describe how good this stuff feels. All I can say is that I am absolutely lost in ecstasy when I use it. The thing is I don’t even want the toys anymore. All I need is the KY Warming jelly and a good set of hands preferably a man’s hands.

So if you are looking to spice things up in the bedroom, I highly recommend a dime size dollop of KY Warming Jelly. It will rock your world.

“Supersex” The Review

When I first read Kittycat’s review of “Supersex” I was oh so excited. She highly recommended it so I purchased it online straight away. I was pleased at how quickly the book arrived. The first issue of course is that when any package arrives at our house EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE wants to know what it is. I do a lot of ordering on QVC and Zappos and now of course on Amazon. Did I mention that if you shop on Amazon through my website I get like half a penny? Hey, those penny halves add up so shop away!

So the book arrives and I open it discretely and quietly realizing what it is. Of course it came today which is the one day that EVERYBODY is home and anxiously awaiting. I opened it quietly and then made the mistake of flashing it to “The Angry Man” who made a pleased noise as opposed to his usual “Is that ANOTHER cookbook you won’t use?” noise.

As soon as the noise came out of “The Angry Man’s” mouth, #1 who is hibernating in his mini man cave corner playing on his computer says “What’s that?” He was so curious that he actually picked his ass up off of his comfy overstuffed chair and ottoman. “The Angry Man” said “none of your business.” This only intrigued #1 more. I took the book out of “The Angry Man’s” hands and began to head upstairs to change and put the book in a more private place when #1 met me to see JUST what I had. I knew it was wrong and I knew I would be scarring him for life but I wanted to get that pain in the ass off my back so I flashed him the book. The cover itself although sensual is not inappropriate. The title of the book is not neon. Tasteful is the way I would describe it…tasteful for a sex manual that is.

Flashing that book to #1 was like holding garlic up to a vampire. He made a disgusted sound and walked briskly in the opposite direction. To add insult to injury I said, “Don’t bother asking if you can borrow it”. Yes, I am one of those obnoxious, immature mothers but he asked for it.

Upon first flip through the book seems nice. Illustrated for people like me who can’t wipe their own asses without a set of directions. All of the bodies both men and women were beautiful by the way.

There are a lot of step by step instructions which generally I like but I have read these before. In fact I am tempted to say this book is just a bunch of articles from “Cosmopolitan Magazine” with more pictures.

My suspicions coincidentally were confirmed. This morning I came downstairs to find the latest issue of “Cosmo” on the front table. It was not mine. It obviously came from #1. At first I thought maybe he was toying with me after the brown wrapper incident and then I realized the magazine must be his girlfriend’s. I am wondering what the hell she needs this magazine for. She won’t be “Seducing Him with Moves that Work from 20 Feet Away”…at least if I have anything to say about it!

So that is a good example of exactly the type of information that is in “Supersex”. There is actually a diagram of a couple having sex while the man is standing and the woman is doing a handstand. I sort of just have to laugh at that one…not that I wouldn’t try it but it just goes to show you how important gymnastics in high school gym can be. I am wishing I practiced more back then.

So here is the thing with the book. I paid all of $7 for the book including shipping and handling so it was not a big investment. It was a good read. There was a lot of information about getting in the mood and relaxing to get in the mood. I don’t need any of that. I can turn a switch and get “in the mood” but according to what my gynecologist tells me I am out of the norm. In fact, I believe at my last visit she said “we need to bottle whatever you have and sell it”.

Initially I was opposed to recommending this book for purchase however the book has brought a few things into this house. 1. I am not a frigid female…I know big news flash. 2. It opened up a communication between “The Angry Man” and I which I love. I told him where the book is and he seemed somewhat interested in browsing through that. I am not sure if he has or not but I think if he looks through it he may pick up some ideas or if nothing else realize that there are people out there doing this shit and it is not just shit I am coming up with off the top of my head.

Bottom line is I recommend reading this book. If you can get it out of the library I would start there and if you like it that much that you want to own it then  I recommend buying the cheapest way…AMAZON…THROUGH MY BLOG of course!