The Hug

 

Today would have been our twenty fifth wedding anniversary…I mean with Angry Guy. In the past when he was alive, I’d post something snarky on Facebook about how “Today would have been our ___ anniversary. Today I am celebrating that it is NOT.” I don’t feel mean and angry like that anymore.

The other day a song came on Spotify that made me think of him. Well to be fair a lot of songs on Spotify remind me of him since I made up the playlist. The playlist is not exclusively songs that we shared or that remind me of him. It’s made up of hundreds of songs that I just happen to like but for some reason a handful continue to replay and they happen to either be from the time period when we were at our best…or worst or from a CD that he bought me for my birthday, valentines day…whatever.  He bought me “Abbey Road” partially because he knew I’d love it which I did but also because it was not as offensive to him as the other music, I enjoyed so to him it was a win win.

I do not even remember which song I heard the other day that reminded me of Angry Guy but I began to tear up. I started remembering.

Sometimes at the end of the day when I was at the kitchen sink, he’d come up behind me and jokingly rub up against me. I say jokingly because it never led to anything. I always wanted it to but he was just teasing. Those were the days that I craved his attention…the days when I started to seek out attention from other men.

In the car, I remembered those nights. I tried to remember how it felt for him to touch me. He was big and forceful but I cannot feel him anymore. Maybe that is what started me thinking. I thought to myself and tried to remember if when he was behind me at the kitchen sink if I ever turned around and just hugged him.

I remember at our wedding the justice of the peace told us to look into each other’s eyes and remember how we were feeling so that during the bad times we would remember and find each other again. And now I am thinking what would have happened if I had turned around at the kitchen sink and wrapped my arms around Angry Guy and just hugged him.

Back then I remember being angry. I remember being desperate for attention. I remember being desperate to feel a hard cock inside of me. I remember getting to a point where I didn’t care if it was his or someone else’s hard cock.

And now I wonder if I had just turned around one of those times at the kitchen sink, looked him in the eyes as we had done at our wedding, wrapped my arms around him and hugged him how things would be different today.

To be fair that simply is not realistic. We had so many other problems. Sex was simply a symptom. I do find in interesting however that as time marches on, the bad memories seem to fade and the good memories push forward in my mind. Am I insane?

When is it Time to Say Goodbye?

Hey there! How are you all? I miss this...blogging, writing, tossing ideas around with you all. I miss it but at the same time I'm into new things. My vanilla life has taken over and I'm a little embarrassed to admit it but I like it.

The problem is I'm not always good at letting go. I've made some friends here and I don't want to lose them. I can't say that I have any regrets. I believe everything we do shapes us into who we are today. As I watch my kids grow into adults, I think of myself at their age. I was a "good girl". I led a relatively sheltered life. I got married very young, had a baby, got divorced...RE-married and had more kids. It wasn't until I divorced Angry Guy that I really did the things I should have done in my 20's. I don't regret that.

Interestingly enough my 20 something daughter has become quite active sexually. It's to be expected right? I mean the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Am I right? So the other day Kitty's little kitten started talking about threesomes. All I could think was, "You go, Little Kitten!!!"

I think the thing that has affected me the most is the death of Angry Guy. Since his death I've been helping the kids settle his estate. We've been going through old pictures and old videos. I have to admit that when I watch some of those early videos I fall in love with Angry Guy all over again. Our kids have chosen to believe he was my one true love. I can't say that I disagree.

As a result of all of this self reflection I have lost my lust for...well...lust. I have no interest in any of the men from my past and really no interest in anybody currently. So now what?

ASKING FOR A FRIEND

Hey there!! How are ya'll? I hope all is well with each and every one of you. Crazy year right?!?!?!?

So much has been going on in everyone's lives I am sure. Kitty has had one crazy crazy year and not just due to Covid 19.

One interesting thing that's happened to Kitty is that back in May I found out that I have a sister that I never knew about. Interesting to say the least don't you all think? So it turns out prowling runs in my family. Apparently my father was a bit of a prowler...presumably. In the meantime Kitty is absolutely in love with my new baby sister. We are fast friends. Other than not really looking alike, we could be twins. Our personalities are quite similar...except of course she is adamant against prowling.

So Kitty has been occupied with my new sister and not so much with SS. Oh we are still "friends" I guess. That whole thing is also very strange but ended on a good note I suppose. Oh shit! Also Angry Guy died recently! Wow! Now that I write all this, I realize how truly crazy the past few months really HAVE been.

So, Traveling Salesman is trying to work his way into the picture. Here's the thing. Kitty really likes Traveling Salesman however...not sure. Kitty is just not feeling like getting together and I really do not know how to tell him without ending our friendship completely and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to do that. I'm not really sure what I want. I mean, I'm really enjoying being single again and have alot on my plate.

So how does a Kitty tell a Traveling Salesman that it's just not the right time for me?

Asking for a friend

xoxoxo 

Peace, Love and All That Crap

Yesterday was a weird day for Kitty. My life has taken such a different turn. I mean that in a good way, it's just that I'm so surprised to find myself in a committed, monogamous relationship and actually for the most part content in my vanilla life. Of course as you know from my last post, SS and Kitty have our ups and downs like all monogamous couples but in the end we have a connection that I don't remember ever having with any other man.

For some strange reason I take comfort in the fact that we are not married...well...legally anyway. We are completely committed to one another and Kitty would not cheat but the idea of signing the papers to legalize our relationship makes Kitty's chest tighten and not in a good way.

SS, the kids and Kitty have a little joke among us. Back when Kitty and SS started dating, Kitty made a scrumptious pie for one of the summer holidays. One of Kitty's strengths is that Kitty is a good cook and good baker. So Kitty made a pie and made the mistake of saying,"you know men have asked me to marry them over this pie." Now Kitty simply was trying to get across the fact that the pie was exceptionally delicious. Kitty is NOT looking for a marriage proposal from SS or any other man! Well SS being the teaser that he is continues to torture me over that statement and so with each pie Kitty makes, SS feigns fighting back a marriage proposal after each and every bite. Kitty and the kids have learned to brace ourselves knowing the torture is coming. Between you and me, there are times when SS seems like he really does want to get married but Kitty shuts it down because as much as Kitty loves SS, the thought of being thrown back into the marriage trap scares Kitty and I'm pretty sure you should not feel scared when you think of marrying the one you love so Kitty is taking that as a strong sign to just enjoy what we have which is a marriage without papers.

So in the midst of baking this amazing pie yesterday in the beautiful house that SS has been renovating, Kitty received a text from T-Bone. Yes, you all remember T-Bone don't you? Well, T-Bone over the past few years got divorced then found a girlfriend and now apparently broke up with said girlfriend. So T-Bone and Kitty texted back and forth a bit. T-Bone first said he had so many girlfriends that he can't keep track then asked Kitty if I have any bored friends that might want to fuck him. Okay...Let me just say that Kitty's friends are not nearly as fun or open minded sexually  as Kitty so the answer to that question will always be "NO". Keep in mind, this is my secret life for a reason. Kitty's vanilla friends have no idea what Kitty is capable of in the bedroom. Oh they know Kitty is sassy but they have no idea about my blog or about my secret life...then it wouldn't be secret...DUH!

So if any of my online friends is looking for some action, let me know and I will put you in touch with T-Bone.

Another weird thing that happened yesterday was that Kitty ran into Surfer Dude at our pool. Kitty assumes he saw me and SD, if you are reading this Kitty says "Hi". Kitty's son was with me and although he does not know the entire story of Surfer Dude he knows enough to know that we were involved. The interesting conversation between Kitty and son once we realized that Surfer Dude was there:

Son: "Does he know who I am?"

Kitty: "Probably, we are friends on Facebook."

Son: "I don't get how you can be friends with your exes. I have to cut them off."

Kitty: "It's not the same in this situation. We have no hard feelings. We were never monogamous and we've been friends on Facebook all this time. I have nothing to hide and have no hard feelings. As far as I know neither does he."

So again, SD, if you are reading this, Kitty wants to say "Hi". You look well and I am glad you are happy and I hope that you will not feel uncomfortable running into Kitty. I certainly would never put you or your family at risk for any hurt now or in the future. Peace, Love and all that crap xoxo

Can Kitty just make one more point since it is so difficult anymore for me to find time to post to this blog.

More and more Angry Guy is acting out. Kitty is sure that it is because our kids are grown and just about out of the house. We have been divorced for 5 years now and Kitty has just sold our family home and moved to a new place of my own. AG is probably feeling out of control. DUDE, you are the LAST to know that you have no control over Kitty!!! Anyway, he's been saying some pretty awful things to and about Kitty. On occasion Kitty will reflect on the past and to be honest Kitty has absolutely NO REGRETS about the things I have done in the past especially during our marriage.

Okay when I look back it was insanely stupid and dangerous to meet strange men in hotel rooms for sex. I do not see myself doing that now. Clearly Kitty was acting out but again I have no regrets. Kitty learned so much from those experiences and Kitty grew from each one.

I'm not quite sure how to express this but I get an insane amount of satisfaction knowing what I did and the fact that he could never imagine the things Kitty did during our marriage right under his nose because he was just too fucking lazy to care.

Anyway, just have been wanting to get that all out and to wish you all a safe and happy summer along with peace, love and all that crap :)

"Nobody is a Bowl of Cherries EVERYday"

It's funny that we are here again and by funny I mean sad. It's me...I know it is. Is Kitty too demanding of attention? Are my expectations too high?

SS used to say "Nobody is a bowl of cherries Everyday." He said that when we first got together. The past few weeks have been...I don't know...a little off. Oh don't get me wrong, the sex is still amazing and yet Kitty is starting to feel a little taken for granted outside of the bedroom.

Case in point, one of my big issues with Angry Guy was that overtime he managed to get out of attending any function with me (weddings, birthday parties, etc) using work as an excuse. I half jokingly tell people that I got to a point before he left where I just needed to learn how to work the grill, mow the lawn and use the weed whacker and he'd be replaced. Those three things took less than a week for Kitty to master.

Now SS works an insane schedule and Kitty has a few months where I work insane hours so I am empathetic. But in no time at all Kitty finds myself going to functions alone or not at all. Today Kitty doesn't even recognize myself. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?

Last night for some reason flipped a switch for Kitty. The past few weeks have been filled with awards dinners and ceremonies. Kitty would not dare expect SS to attend. Last night Kitty took my kids out and met a group of friends to celebrate. I did invite SS and he declined. Now it's Kitty's fault I suppose for assuming he declined because he was working late and tired. But then half way through our dinner he began sending me pictures of his grandson's graduation from 8th grade. So he DID manage to muster up some energy.

This morning Kitty was invited to a wine pairing at a local winery by a local business. Knowing that SS would decline I asked a few friends if they wanted to go then thought, "WTF?!?!? We are right back here again!" Right back where I was with Angry Guy...filling voids. And we all know that once Kitty is filling voids it's a hop, skip and a jump to cheating town.

Kitty texted the invitation to SS and asked if he'd go with me. "Thank you but I'll pass." with a kissy emoji is the response that I got. And so, reverting back to third grade Kitty texted, "Would you mind if I ask [Man #1] or [Man #2] to go with me?" That was nearly three hours ago and Kitty has not heard a peep out of SS. Believe me I know that this is extremely immature but it's like I can't help myself. It's like the movie "Ground Hog Day".

Not too long ago SS and Kitty were talking about his annual winter trip down south. He leaves for 10 weeks. This past winter was a tough one and he seemed very depressed and lonely. Kitty did not waver and was a good little kitty while SS was away. I have to be honest though. I was sort of hoping that he would opt not to go this winter, When we last talked about it he said, "It's lonely down there when you are in a relationship and the other person is not there. You are not free to go out and party etc."

It was at that point where Kitty took a deep breath and said,"Well, would you like to agree to see other people when you are down there?"

SS immediately said and emphatic ""NO!" But this all got Kitty thinking.

I'm not sure what to do here. I am truly at a loss. I love SS with all of my heart and I know he loves me but does love mean never going out on a date with the ONE you love again? Maybe Kitty is just having one of those days where I am not a bowl of cherries. Maybe tomorrow will be better with SS.

Maybe Kitty needs to find the girl that SS fell in love with in the first place. That was Naughty Kitty. That was "I don't give a fuck if you like me or not Kitty".

Do any of you have any suggestions?

Playing The Game

It's that time of year when Kitty gets pretty slow at work and that means Kitty goes looking for trouble. The past few weeks have been interesting to say the least. One thing that Kitty found interesting was Mother's Day. Even though Kitty does not consider myself high maintenance when it comes to such Hallmark Holidays it always fascinates me which of my lovers I hear from and which I do not. Kitty tries not to take things so personally but when I took a closer look at who I didn't hear from as opposed to who I did hear from well...it was telling to say the least. Some surprise texts/emails came from "The Salesman", "Bad Boy", "Down and Out", "Tom Hagen", and "Angry Guy".

Kitty will keep the list of who I did NOT hear from to myself but I am always curious as to what that means exactly. One person who I was surprised not to hear from is someone new. His name is "Esquire 2"/E2. E2 is an enigma to Kitty and actually any advice my readers have to offer would be appreciated.

E2 is single...well...separated. He's kind of cute and terribly funny which is a huge turn on for Kitty. E2 is also extremely perceptive which is also a big turn on. We had actually met several years ago when we were both married. More recently E2 began to socialize with one of Kitty's vanilla besties. Kitty uses the word "socialize" because my bestie insists they were not dating although by Kitty's standards they were dating with one exception...they did not fuck. The irony is that my bestie described E2 as a "pothead" and a "sex fiend". I think you all know where this is going...

So months ago Kitty made it my mission to meet E2 and hopefully hook-up. Fate stepped in and I needed his professional advice so I happily made an appointment with him dropping my bestie's name and damned if he didn't pick up the phone and call Kitty himself as opposed to having his secretary do it.

At our meeting I forget exactly what Kitty said but I made a joke about my phone having some unsavory things on it. After our meeting E2 took my number and we agreed to go out with my bestie for happy hour. No sooner did Kitty get home I received a text from E2, "wondering what's on that phone of yours".

E2 and Kitty have been talking and texting ever since. E2 is quite busy as you all can imagine and we talk about getting together for drinks...or fucking quite often but in the end...we don't.

This week E2 didn't text Kitty for two full day's. That's out of the norm for him but all of Kitty's sources say the same thing, "let him make the first move."

The fact that he went for as long as he did kind of hurt Kitty's feelings. Kitty was kind of getting a little wet for this guy and then...nothing.

This morning I woke up at 5 like most mornings. There was a text from him from last night saying, "behaving?"

Kitty: If I say no will you spank me?

E2: No problem

Kitty: What if you are naughty WITH me?

E2: U tell me

Kitty: I'd tease you

Kitty then went on to describe the lap dance I would do for E2 while his hands were tied. I'm not certain but I believe I got E2 fairly worked up. In the end Kitty had to head into the gym and told E2 to have a great day. So Kitty is trying to "play the game". I'm trying to let E2 hunt for me because all of Kitty's advisors say that men like the hunt. That's kind of difficult for Kitty. Kitty is impatient to say the least. But Kitty likes this guy and not just as a fuck buddy. Kitty can see myself with him. So Kitty needs to play this game with E2 in order to let him think he is hunting when in fact Kitty is really the hunter. So what do you all think? How can Kitty catch this one?

Both Sides of the Fence

For the most part Angry Guy and Kitty get along nicely. We chat on the phone like old friends. We attend school functions together and make fun of the other parents and administration. But since this whole family issue I have cut Angry Guy off from my friendship. He is playing both sides of the fence and Kitty doesn’t like that. BE A MAN!! STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN!!! And for God’s sake…DON’T LIE!!! Kitty HATES a liar.

Now Kitty knows that cheating counts as “lying” so…yes…Kitty is a hypocrite…on some level. But for the most part Kitty doesn’t lie. In fact the only person that Kitty DID lie to was Angry Guy.

When we were together he was convinced that Kitty was cheating. He made no effort to catch me though. And to this day Kitty never told him…and Kitty never will.

Angry Guy was SO suspicious even before Kitty strayed that HE was suspicious. Do you know how people who lie or cheat immediately lose trust for those around them? Well that’s how Angry Guy acted only Kitty knew he wasn’t cheating. Let’s face it; Angry Guy was never as sexual as Kitty. Kitty always wanted sex more than he did even when we were dating which should have been a sign. Kitty wanted to suck cock. Kitty wanted to be fucked from behind like a dirty little slut. But Angry Guy put Kitty up on a pedestal. At first it was an honor but then Kitty realized it was just Angry Guy’s way of avoiding fucking Kitty…his wife. So Kitty strayed. Anyway, you all know that story.

So this week with all the family shit that is going on and Angry Guy swearing left and right that he is on my side but refusing to say it to anybody but Kitty, it dawned on Kitty.

Angry Guy is one of those guys who tells whoever in front of him what he thinks they want to hear whether it’s the truth or not. Then he will tell the opposing person what THEY want to hear even if it is the exact opposite. Angry Guy is a PUSSY and he is WISHY WASHY. Kitty hates wishy washy men.

And so, I think I’ve had an epiphany. Kitty thinks that the reason Angry Guy was always convinced that Kitty was lying to him, even before I was, is because HE is not true to his word…EVER…well for the most part.

Lying takes on many forms but as I told a friend of mine, Kitty has no regrets and when I take a side I tell people. Maybe that’s why Kitty is always in so much trouble.

Kitty's Fucked Up Family

Kitty’s childhood growing up was like a fantasy. I had a mother and father and older sisters who fawned over me. We were close. We joked that we were like the family in “The Godfather”. Each of us had the character that we were associated with. I am Michael of course. If you were not born/raised on and did not BREATHE “The Godfather” then read no further. You have no business being on my blog. If nothing else my Ex husbands enjoyed the healthy addiction that I had with the first and second movies and we all agree that anybody who does not share that addiction has serious character issues. LOL

All joking aside, my family was extremely close. My father (Vito) instilled a sense of undying loyalty in each of us. At the same time he taught us but especially me about independence. He taught me never to depend on a man to support me financially. He made sure I was educated in a career that would enable me to support myself if “god forbid you don’t get married.” Yes, there were some mixed messages there but I understood what my father was trying to achieve. He also taught me that if I needed something done, I needed to be able to do it myself. He taught me that I can’t depend on others to lift me up even though he always seemed to lift me up.

After my father passed away and I was getting divorced for the SECOND time…yes…SECOND…my mother told me that my father raised me to be “TOO independent” and “Intolerant”. This may be true.  She also said, “you are going to die alone.” To which my smart ass reply was, “So? We are ALL going to die alone! Look at you! You were married for 54 years and YOU are going to die alone!” Needless to say, I didn’t gain any brownie points for that remark.

Since my father passed away my family has literally fallen apart. It’s kind of like a computer virus that slowly but deliberately eats away at your computer system until there is nothing left. Is Kitty to blame for the fallout? I’m sure I have something to do with it but do I deserve to shoulder the entire blame? I don’t think so.

Recently I have made a few new fellow blogger friends. We communicate via email so they have a bit of an inside track on Kitty’s real life which ironically is my “Secret Life” as far as all of you all are concerned. Some of them know my name, exactly where I live, my profession and all about my kids. It’s the not so sexy side of Kitty. As I make more and more friends and meet more and more people who bring positive energy to my life, the negativity of my family and the negative people who I share blood with are drifting away. On one level this makes me sad. I have lost my mother…siblings…even one of my children.

This morning on my way to work I have to admit that I wondered if their world would be a better place without me. I wondered if I should get my affairs in order and maybe do the unthinkable. Will Kitty? Probably not. Kitty is not into all that drama. I’m not sure what would become of my younger kids and my poor pets would suffer most of all. Okay…yes, I worry more about the future of my pets than my own children. Maybe Ex #1 is right. Maybe Kitty is a complete failure as a mother, certainly as a wife. I have to say I’m pretty good at my job though.

I was telling one of my new blogger friends that I was thinking about Angry Guy this morning. Angry Guy insists he is on my side with this whole family rift yet he continues to communicate with my estranged child…his stepchild who is now about to sue me. Kitty feels that this shows lack of loyalty and basically is a divide and conquer situation for my estranged kid. I tried to explain it to Angry Guy but he is playing dumb. He considers himself the “peace maker”. Kitty considers him a pussy. When Kitty is on someone’s side I fight for that person and am not afraid to stand up for them. Kitty is surrounded by a bunch of people who say they are on my side but don’t have the balls to admit it to anybody else. That is SOOOOO FREDO (another “Godfather” reference).

So as Kitty thinks about Angry Guy and him telling me he is loyal and dedicated to me I laugh to myself at how DISLOYAL I find him. And it’s days like today when I think back at all the strange men I met in hotel rooms to fuck while I was married to Angry Guy and I think I don’t regret it for one second.

 

Kitty's Cable Dilemma

Kitty was having a pretty good day today…WAS being the operative word. Big Cheese was finally back in the office. He started out by taking me out to breakfast. I know…RIGHT?!?!? Pretty nice don’t cha think??? Okay, I’m gonna be completely honest here. He didn’t TECHNICALLY take me OUT for breakfast. We ordered breakfast sandwiches and coffee from the bagel place down the hall and ate them at our desks. Kitty is completely fine with that. I was hoping to get the “office meeting” out of the way. Every time Big Cheese is out, I pretty much have to write off the next day entirely. He calls an “office meeting” which entails me sitting with him to straighten his desk, sort his mail and read his email together. Even though Kitty is not his “secretary” you would never know it.

So anyway, no sooner did we get our meeting underway one of Big Cheese’s clients waltzed in. The phone was ringing off the hook. At one point in the morning I was talking to one client on the phone and another client walked in and bowed at my feet. Yes…can you believe it?!?! This is the client that told Big Cheese I was “MEAN”. If by “mean” you mean Kitty is a ball-breaker then…okay…YES, I am “MEAN”. So this client was totally kissing my ass and let’s face it Kitty LOVES a guy who kisses my ass even when I know he is full of shit. I wondered a little bit if his partner said something to him about me. Remember? His partner is THE Client. The client who was trying to fuck Kitty.

So anyway Kitty was having a pretty good day. I also got some nice emails from F who is away on a business trip, Ben of course who ALWAYS makes me smile and later in the morning T-Bone emailed me from his business trip.

On my way out I stopped off to see XXX who is in a particularly good mood lately and coming off as very flirty but Kitty is definitely taking that with a grain of salt and just enjoying our friendship.

So Kitty’s afternoon appointment was cancelled so I came home thinking that I would sit down and write a nice blog post. Well, when I tried to open my email I realize I was not getting cable internet. I immediately ran out back where the cable line is and sure enough the landscapers that Angry Guy hired to come over had cut the cable line. GOOD WORK GENIUSES!!!

To be honest I am not sure exactly WHO to blame for this one. The landscapers cut the line yes however the line was protruding out of the ground for two reasons 1. It was never buried deep enough in the ground 2. One reason it was not buried deep enough is because FUCKING Angry Guy planted a stupid ass tree right up against the fence and now the roots are pulling absolutely EVERYTHING up!!!! Can you tell that Kitty is frustrated????

So Kitty and Angry Guy have this constant battle over these stupid trees that he has planted in the back yard which are now overgrown and destroying everything. I happened to run into my next door neighbor. She just allowed her boyfriend to move in with her so we were both venting. I told her about my list. Yes, Kitty has a “List of things to do when Angry Guy smokes himself to death”. Oh sure, some of you may think Kitty is mean and Kitty is cruel for saying that but guess what? Kitty is being realistic. In this day and age if you are a heavy smoker, overweight, stressed and have a bad family history like Angry Guy you had BETTER get your affairs in order. Today I have decided the #1 thing on my list is that I am going to do is call the tree guy and have those fucking trees all cut down.

Passive Aggressive Much?

Angry Guy has been Needy/Sad Guy lately. I tend to think it’s a passive aggressive thing that he does. Occasionally he will look me directly in the eyes and say “Love me?” WAIT!!! STOP!!! I’ve fallen for this one too many times before. I have taken this opportunity on several occasions to open a dialogue about our sex life…or LACK thereof. It never ended well. So taking the advice of so many wonderful friends I have adopted the “don’t do the same things and expect a different reaction.”

Now when Angry Guy asks “Love me?” I look him straight in the eye and tell him EXACTLY what he wants to hear. “Of COURSE!” I say. Last night he added, “Are you IN love with me????” Ahhh…he thought he had me there. Kitty has learned believe me so Kitty looked Angry guy right in the eyes and though of the wonderful things he does do for our family and managed to say “Of course. I am IN love with you.” Of course my kids were looming and my daughter made a big fuss of the whole thing by telling me that I should “tell Daddy that you love him more!” TRAITOR!

Does Kitty think Angry Guy is suspicious of my prowling? Maybe. Sometimes I feel a little paranoid after T-Bone tells me stories about how his friends catch their wives cheating. The only clue that Angry Guy can possibly pick up on is that I am no longer nagging him for sex and I am as pleasant as pleasant can be.

Before this opens a whole dialogue about why Angry Guy won’t fuck Kitty let me say that I have gone over this and over this for years. I have gone over it with friends. I have gone over it with each and every one of my lovers. Kitty has an idea why Angry Guy is not as sexual as Kitty but Kitty can’t force Angry Guy to see a doctor. Kitty can’t force Angry Guy to stop smoking, eat healthy, exercise. A wise friend of mine told me that her husband drives her bananas. They have been married for years and years. One day she told me “I can’t change him. I can only change my reaction to him.” I couldn’t agree more.

Birthday Kitty

The other day Kat posted a blog that I thought was very appropriate not to mention it expressed my thoughts about how a man should treat his mistress to the letter. Please read this ESPECIALLY if you are one of Kitty’s lovers/former lovers/potentiallovers. Basically the premise at least from my perspective was that a little bit of thought and consideration goes a long way.

Now Kitty never EVER asks or expects gifts from my playmates. I do however appreciate attention and consideration. It turns out Kitty’s birthday was a few days after Kat’s post so I was curious to see how or IF the men in my life would acknowledge the occasion. Can I just say that Kitty is definitely an “It’s the thought that counts” kind of Kitty. So on my birthday I sure felt the love affection from a lot of my wonderful playmates. I received emails, e-cards, texts…lots of texts…so many that Angry Guy was like “What the fuck is going on?!?!?!”

Among my wonderful playmates that thought about me were Jiminy Cricket, My Client, Bad Boy who texted me just before midnight and again the next afternoon. Bad Boy gets extra love points for that. Angry Guy treated Kitty very nicely and bought me a wonderful gift that will make my workouts all the more enjoyable. And Kitty even got a surprise “Happy Birthday” email from The Ex.

If you are among my playmates that were unaware of Kitty’s birthday please don’t fret. Kitty is not a whore for attention on my birthday. I am just extra touched by those around me who take the time to let me know that they are thinking about me and for that Kitty feels blessed. Thank you to all my wonderful friends. I had an amazing birthday.

He Makes Me Laugh

I know I have been on a hate rant over Angry Guy and that’s really not fair. He does have SOME redeeming qualities. I have to say that when he wants to be he is a terrible romantic. He can’t help it. It comes naturally to him. I can appreciate some romance every now and then and when he is romantic I always welcome that however romantic does not necessarily translate into sex.

I think Angry Guy’s most redeeming feature is the way he makes me laugh. When he is not being an incredible asshole he can pretty much make me laugh non stop. That’s what attracted me to him in the first place. Kitty LOVES to laugh.

The reason I thought of this is because this morning we were laughing over something at breakfast. We took the kids to school together and as we were heading back home we passed our neighbor’s house. We saw the husband doing something in the wife’s car. Angry Guy made a joke about the husband hotwiring a bomb to the ignition or something. We both laughed because we both know that the husband is quite capable of such a thing. Anyway it got me thinking…Angry Guy and I have a history now. We have been together for a good long time and even though we don’t always get along we share our house, our children and a whole lot of laughs.

When Angry Guy got out of the car to let me go to work he leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and said “You have a SPECIAL day.”

Fairy

This morning has been one of those mornings where living alone would not be the worst thing in the world. Angry Guy got up before the alarm. He was bitter when I got downstairs. The dog had him up. Can I offer a suggestion? How about if you are going to sit downstairs waiting for me to fall asleep at night so you don’t have to fuck me you LET THE DAMN DOG OUT before you come upstairs?!?! Just a suggestion. Then I asked him a question and he made a comment like “I don’t know if I have time to do it because I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING ELSE!!” REALLY!?!?!?! EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!

So now apparently making the kid’s lunch in the morning is “EVERYTHING”. I am wondering if Angry Guy thinks the laundry fairy comes to visit twice a week to do all the laundry including sorting, washing, drying, folding AND putting it away in everybody’s drawers. Do all of you have a Laundry Fairy who does this?

Apparently Angry Guy also believes there is some fairy that comes to the house and dusts, vacuums, changes the cat litter, mops the floors, cleans up after the dog outside, pays the bills, makes the beds, cleans feeds and entertains the kids every single day not to mention deposit additional funds to our checking account. Do any of you have that fairy?

So I apologize that poor Angry Guy has to do EVERYTHING around here. I was unaware. Lucky for him he doesn’t waste any time fucking his wife. That’s the fairy that I want to meet.

Sex Without Passion

We have fallen into our same old routine. We eat dinner as a family, clean up then Angry Guy sits and watches television. Sometimes I try to sit beside him but lately I have had to compete with the kids and the dog so I take the opportunity to go up to my bedroom to read. My bedroom is my haven. I enjoy the little bit of quiet time that I have there until everybody realizes where I am and gallop to find me. Once the kids are showered and go to bed I am left once again to enjoy my quiet time while Angry Guy enjoys his. Most of the time I get the feeling he waits for me to fall asleep. Last night for whatever reason I was still awake when he came to bed.

I rolled onto my side with my back toward him as I always do not so much to give him the cold shoulder but because this is the position that easily allows me to fall asleep. He snuggled into me from behind gently which he often does. I know by now that this is sometimes simply his way of saying “good night”. Tonight he ran his hand down my hip realizing that I wasn’t wearing any panties he gave a sigh of approval. I whispered that I needed to brush my teeth. “So brush your teeth,” he said. I scurried into the bathroom and quickly freshened my breath. As I walked back to bed I slipped off the tee shirt I was wearing and locked the door. I slipped into bed and began kissing him. He rubbed me then grabbed my hand and pulled it down toward his cock. I rubbed him then immediately put him in my mouth letting him dictate the rhythm as he moved his hips. He pulled me up and I hopped on top of him rocking with him inside of me as he played with my breasts. He doesn’t speak. I kiss him and then he rolls me over onto my back so he can finish. This is our routine. We very rarely vary. After he cums he takes care of me.

It occurred to me in the middle of fucking him that our sex has no passion. I know you are all saying “Kitty, what the fuck do you want? You complain that he doesn’t fuck you then he finally does and you complain that you want PASSION?!” Well….YEAH!!!

I texted XXX and asked him if our sex was full of passion. His response was "Yes, of course!"

Is there something wrong with me? I mean what do you all think? What do you all get? Do you have sex with passion with your spouses after years and years of marriage? Kitty wants to know.

Kitty's Rant

Today is one of those days when I think I would be better off being a single mother. Angry Guy is off from work and I am in a particularly busy point in my career so I appreciate a little help with the kids. No such luck. Now, let me apologize upfront to my male readers for the rant I am about to go on. And, YES, I do understand that not all men are like Angry Guy but here’s the thing…

When Angry Guy is at work he is completely focused and does not need to concern himself with the kids or any drama from home because Kitty takes care of EVERYTHING.

Angry Guy wants Kitty to work and believe me Kitty loves working outside of the home although admittedly I put my brilliant career on the back burner to be a dedicated mother (inserting fingers in my mouth to gag). No really, I have and I am not resentful much at all.

The thing that Angry Guy doesn’t get is that I have been unable to find anybody to pay me to just sit here and look pretty. He wants me to be home for the kids AND work. Okay so he’s not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.

Well today is especially frustrating because the school nurse called and said one of the kids needs to be picked up and Angry Guy is nowhere to be found. No, it’s not that he is in some hotel room with someone. Angry Guy simply turned off his cell phone and is ignoring the 10 messages that the school nurse left on the answering machine at home. So now the nurse is calling MY cell.

The hysterical thing is not only that we live across from the school but you can’t even imagine the shit storm that would occur if I ever turned off my cell and ignored messages from Angry Guy. The reason I know this is because years ago I did it and it wasn’t pretty. So even though I joke about wearing an ankle bracelet, my bracelet comes in the form of a smart phone.

It’s really the same old shit with him isn’t it? Things are fine and then he acts like a total asshole. The sad thing is the kids don’t even care anymore. I shouldn’t say that. It’s not nice. But the other day I had to take them to a doctor’s appointment with me. The doctor was asking all about our family history and we started talking about smoking and how Angry Guys smokes. Later the kids were asking me questions like “What will happen to us if daddy dies from lung cancer?” How sad is that?

I assured my youngest that I purposely take care of myself so that I can live a healthy life and take care of them for as long as they need me. Other than my obvious sex addiction I don't smoke or over indulge in any other substances. Once they realized that if anything ever happened to Angry Guy their lives would pretty much remain the same as far as where and how we live they were calm. If anything ever happened to Kitty however…

What I Signed Up For

The other night I had a quick online chat with Dodger. He’s the same but I think I have changed. He invited me to join him with this other couple who was coming in from out of town. The husband wanted to watch while Dodger fucked his wife. I told Dodger that it sounded fun but in reality the idea did not appeal to me at all. Granted, Dodger is not what I would consider particularly charming. His rationale behind me joining him was “it would made good blog material.” And while I am sure most if not all of you are tired of reading the same old “XXX and Me” stories, I chose to pass on Dodger’s very "thoughtful" offer.

I am not sure what his story is or why he asks but he always asks who I am fucking. He always makes comments like he wants to have a long term thing with me but he never follows through which of course is how he got his name “Dodger”. At this point whether he realizes it or not we have entered the FRIEND ZONE and his chances of fucking Kitty believe it or not are zero to none.

He did make an interesting comment though. He said “you should leave your husband so we can spend more time together.” He is not the first man to say this to me recently but that is just not going to happen and I told both men that flat out. I have never even considered leaving Angry Guy over this Ashley Madison business.

I read a lot of other blogs. I read about men and women who want to leave. Some of them leave and some of them stay. I am not in a particularly bad situation here. I do not DREAD coming home. At times I do dread when the Angry Guy is due home but once he is home and settled things here are fine. It’s the sex that is the issue with us…just the sex.

There is a part of me that thinks Angry Guy knows. I am sure he knows that I am not always pleased with him and that maybe I could do better because he bends over backwards to please me in other aspects of our marriage.

The real reason that I would not leave Angry Guy in all honesty is that I could never hurt him. This thing that I am going through is not his fault. He has not changed a bit. When I look back I realize he was never as sexual as I am…NEVER. So I am going to destroy this man’s life because I want to get laid? NO! That is not going to happen.

I’ve been there. Believe me. I have been in a bad marriage where I couldn’t take it and had to leave. This is not that marriage and I wouldn’t put my kids and my husband through the pain and heartache for my selfish pleasures.

Dodger said I am hurting Angry Guy by cheating. He is right. I know. But things would be so much worse if I came clean and left. This is what I signed up for. And really as I spend the day cleaning the house, making chicken soup, writing and reading I have to say this life of mine does not suck. Today Kitty is content. This is what I have signed up for…for now.

“Methinks Thou Dost Protest Too Much”

It always seems like we hear about a lot of divorces this time of year. It’s become an unwritten tradition that Angry Guy and I sit down for breakfast on a morning like this morning and compare notes. Sometimes I even inform him of HIS friends or co-workers who are getting divorced. I will see it on facebook and since Angry Guy is strictly ANTI-Facebook, I will see the news well before he hears the rumor.

Oh, not to get off track but can you all take a look at my Facebook badge to the left of this post? I am not sure if it will make life easier or not but I try to post the link everyday so feel free to “Like” me. You know how “Likes” make Kitty wet.

So as I was saying this traditional conversation inevitably turns into a conversation about infidelity EVERY YEAR since most of these divorces are somehow related to that very thing. This morning of course I made the mistake of bringing up XXX. Now while Angry Guy clearly does not know about my affair with XXX he knows all about XXX’s situation and HIS wife’s cheating.

Whenever the subject of XXX or infidelity for that matter comes up around Angry Guy you should really just clear the room. His lecture is like a freakin’ Holy Roller Sermon down in Arkansas on a hot Sunday afternoon in August. JEEZ-US! He goes on and on like you have no idea. All the while of course I am agreeing with him and nodding my head but he is way over the top.

I can’t help but silently think “methinks thou dost protest too much”. I try really hard to visualize Angry Guy cheating and I just can’t. I can’t tell you how many people have made the suggestion in light of his sex drive issue…or lack of sex drive but seriously I can’t see him cheating.

Is it wrong that I almost wish he HAS cheated? I mean it sure would explain A LOT. But I assure you he doesn’t. So what gives with the sermon? Do you think he is trying to get me to confess to something? Come on! I know the rule…”Deny, deny, deny”. Believe me that’s just never going to happen. Years ago I got a taste of what he would be like if he thought I cheated and it was not pretty. I just don’t see the point of confessing to clear my conscience while hurting him. After all, this cheating thing is MY character flaw…not his. Even the headshrinker said not to confess so, in the meantime I am just going to continue to agree and nod my head.

Celibate Kitty

I initially made the comment that I am going to become celibate to Bad Boy the other day and then Jiminy Cricket after an incident with XXX.

Bad Boy’s reaction was “Now don’t get crazy.” He also made a comment about my “Hoo-ha drying up” which believe it or not is one of my worst fears.

Jiminy Cricket found my vow more humorous. The two men who supported my decision were XXX and Angry Guy.

Now if the two guys that are most likely to sleep with me are supportive of my vow of celibacy what does THAT tell you?!?!!?

I told Jiminy that I think men like the way I write. They like to chat online, they like to text, email and they LOVE to read my blog but in person…not so much. I can only attribute that to men not being physically attracted to me. Okay so I can deal with that…I guess.

Now I know you are thinking that Kitty is fishing for compliments but I assure you that is not the case. I have never thought of myself as physically attractive as I told Jiminy. Growing up I was told that I was smart and I have been told that I am funny but Kitty has never been labeled as “pretty”. It wasn’t until this whole Ashley Madison nonsense with foolish men telling me non-truths that I started to believe. At any rate I was driving into work today thinking about the gym and thinking how well I do when I just go for me. Then Kitty started thinking about how well I do when I focus on work, when I focus on family and when I just do what I have to do to make myself happy.

I began thinking about all the time and energy I have been spending caring for the needs of strange men, emailing them, chatting with them, stroking their egos because their wives have stopped, meeting strange men in hotel rooms only to be left unfulfilled. Kitty has been spending an awful lot of my attention on men who don’t appreciate it and who offer nothing in the way of attention in return. Is that their fault? CERTAINLY NOT! These men don’t ask for Kitty’s attention. They have wives and families that take priority and Kitty is completely understanding about that.

So Kitty made the comment half joking then began to think about it and realize that for all intents and purposes I AM ALREADY CELIBATE just not by choice.

So now Kitty is making the choice. I know you are thinking “Kitty, whatever will you write about now?” Well, I am sure I will think of SOMETHING! I still have plenty that I have written about my Ashley Madison escapades but just never posted.

And you may all have to be supportive until I get my bearings. Kitty is going to have to re-focus all of that sexual energy on something else. I just haven’t decided yet what it will be.

Well first thing I can tell you is that Kitty is going to focus more on the gym and my eating. I already go to the gym faithfully but now it is time to kick it up a notch.

Kitty also has to focus on work. XXX has been wanting me to put in more hours in his office as opposed to in his bed so it may be time and it is a good career move for me. Big Cheese also needs me more so those afternoons in hotel rooms will be spent better earning money and working out.

Kitty also plans to spend more time with my platonic friends. Even though XXX and I won’t be fucking he needs my friendship and I am here for him not to mention I am here for all my other friends men and women who make me smile every day. It’s Kitty’s turn to give back.

Don’t you worry though. Kitty will find my way. I always do.

Kitty's Breasts

Now I am not one to brag and believe me that is not what my intention is with this blog today but I have gotten a few compliments on my breasts recently. I never thought much of it. See, these old breasts of mine are “retired”. They were “working breasts” when my kids were young. While I believe they could use a little “lift” I am pretty satisfied with their size. You will have to just use your imagination on that I think. Sure, I could tell you but what fun would that be?

I have this one blouse. It’s not exactly my favorite and the color is not great but for some reason when I wear this particular blouse I almost always get a compliment on my breasts from the Angry Guy. For him to notice my body at all is quite something believe me. So I try to wear this blouse at least once a week even though like I said, it’s not in my opinion the most flattering.

The reason I am mentioning this is because on Christmas morning as I was opening my gifts, one of the gifts was an interesting piece of clothing. Now let me point out that Angry Guy generally does not buy me clothes. That is a good thing, believe me. Also, Angry Guy had to work Christmas morning so he wasn’t actually there to see the look on my face when I opened the gifts he had gotten for me.

So the thing that made this piece of clothing so interesting is that it looked almost identical to the blouse that Angry Guy loves my breasts in. The color is the same which is a color that I never wear and I don’t think I look good in. The neckline is plunging. The fit is snug and there are even the same tiny little buttons running down the front. I can’t tell you how many times I wore that original blouse in the hopes that a man would be running his fingers down that button placket as he unbuttoned each and every little button.

So I am sitting here this morning typing this after trying on my Christmas gift wondering if Angry Guy purchased this blouse with the idea that it will accentuate my breasts which he claims to think so highly of. I could ask him but of course what fun would that be?

Bad Sex Karma

I am a big believer in karma. You wouldn’t think so but I am. So “Angry Guy” and I have this constant struggle. See, I have a much stronger sex drive then he does. I could have sex nearly every night. “Angry Guy”…not so much.

We have gone around and around about this. I feel as though he is not attracted to me which of course makes me eat which of course makes me even less attractive. I have tried to lose weight out of anger for him. Like “fuck you Angry Guy! If you don’t want me I will be so hot that everybody else does!”

The funny thing is that Angry Guy is a pretty jealous guy. He doesn’t trust me around any man except maybe Big Cheese and maybe XXX which is pretty ironic but I gotta tell you they are looking pretty hot to me now.

The idea of him being jealous is hysterical to me because there is not exactly a line out the door waiting for this little lady to become single. In fact if I ever WERE single again, I doubt there would be any takers.

I will admit that I am pre-occupied if not obsessed with sex. This is possibly because I rarely get it anymore which makes me sad because I do enjoy it.

Believe me I have thought about this situation thousands of times over the years that Angry Guy and I have been together. Apparently I have always wanted sex more than him. I was always up for the quickie before work and then the longer session after work. He was always the one that said he couldn’t function at work after that. I used to think of it as a compliment. Now I am looking back just thinking that he didn’t have as much of a drive as I do. I look back at all the times we slept together before we were married and think that he was able to do it every night when we were together because we weren’t together every single night like we are now.

I have asked friends both male and female “What the fuck?” Am I the only woman out there who wants sex more than my husband?? Well, my friends have come up with the following explanations as to why my husband seems to be the only living man out there who refuses sex with his wife…me.

Generally my male friends say he is gay. Okay, I ASSURE you that is not it although I have on occasion joked about my Ex possibly swinging in that direction. I have wondered if maybe Angry Guy's nationality is just not as sexual. Angry Guy is English. Maybe the English aren’t as horny?  I know Italian men have quite the libido though so his nationality is an option.

 My other friends say maybe his health is a factor. That seems like the most likely idea to me. Here’s the thing though. Angry Guy NEVER goes to the doctor and I am not about to start nagging him about going now. He is a chain smoker and at least 50 pounds overweight. I am sure this has SOMETHING to do with it but I am not his mother and feel strongly that if it is not important to him to be healthy for his wife and children then all I can do is stay healthy for our children.

The last and unfortunately the thing I tend to lean toward the most is that Angry Guy is simply not attracted to me anymore. He loves me…I mean WHO WOULDN’T?!?!? I suppose the physical attraction is just not there for him. This hit home for me several times but I revisited it last night. I was reading a new book and one of the characters is in a similar situation where the husband was simply not attracted to her…just like that. This is obviously where my feeling of “I am going to get so hot that other guys notice me” attitude is coming from. I know this is juvenile but I am over it already.

Angry Guy has a whole repertoire of tricks and excuses to avoid having sex with me. He uses work as an excuse when he is working. On his days off he uses being stressed about upcoming work as an excuse.

The thing that really gets me is that he will flirt with me all day long. He will grab me and kiss me and make remarks about wanting more. This gets me crazy. This is foreplay right?? I heard Sting does that shit for days with his wife. Maybe Angry Guy is training me for a life of tantric sex with Sting. No thank you!

Anyway, I have made sure to communicate with Angry Guy on several occasions that whenever he wants sex from me he will get it so when he does the flirting thing it is really disappointing to me when I go upstairs to read and I know he is downstairs waiting for me to fall asleep.

I have tried everything to deal with the issue. I have made threats which of course backfired. I have pleaded…no good. And I have acted indifferent. Basically indifferent is where I am now it used to tear me up inside. Thank God for Ashley Madison!

Whenever I make a comment about sex with other men around I generally hear things like “Angry Guy is a lucky man.” XXX used to make the comment whenever we were in bed.

I hate to tell XXX that even if his wife lets him back into the house their sex life will not improve. Yes, I am bitter but I am also a realist.

More and more I have decided that this is bad sex karma for me. When I was married to the Ex he wanted sex all the time. He sort of repulsed me at the time so I acted pretty much the way Angry Guy acts with me…without the flirting part.

I know you are asking why I ever married the Ex in the first place. Hey, we looked good on paper. At the time I was not enlightened about sex so I figured I could deal for 50-60 years. It turns out I was wrong. The Ex used to climb on top of me which was a total turn off. Anyway I am trying to block it out so I don’t want to go into detail. Bottom line is that I know how Angry Guy feels and I don’t want him to feel worse but why should I have to repress all this great sexual energy?

The ironic part of this whole thing is that the Ex is now taking blood pressure medication which I understand fucks with a man’s ability to have an erection. So it turns out the Ex has a little bad sex karma himself.