It’s been sixteen months since I’ve fucked anybody. I had
gotten to a comfortable place with that. Not that I haven’t had offers. For
whatever reason I simply wasn’t interested. I wasn’t in the mood. I lost my
mojo but in a very calm and peaceful manner…or so I thought.
I had actually gotten to a point where I did not ever expect
to have or WANT to have sex again. I’ve been so ashamed of my body and my
weight gain. I figured that I’d focus on myself for awhile and was quite
content yet not quite inspired either. I actually hadn’t realized it.
The other day SS texted me and asked if I was interested in
grabbing “breakfast, brunch or lunch”. It really wasn’t a good time for me. My
son had company for the weekend. I was making them breakfast and trying to get
them out the door so they could do some site seeing. Also, I had painters over
and you know how difficult it is to get painters these days. Or is it just my
struggle?
Anyway, I did accept his lunch invitation but I suppose I
didn’t get back to him quick enough so he texted that since he hadn’t heard
from me, he was going to go about his day and go to work. What a DICK!
To make a long story short, we played text tag for a bit and
finally found ourselves at one of our old spots for lunch. Now apparently, I
was in some sort of mood because not only hadn’t I showered or put on deodorant
much less make up, I didn’t even brush my teeth. I know…RIGHT?!?!?! BAD KITTY.
So, we’re have a good lunch, talking, catching up, blah blah
and we get to the end of the meal and out of no where SS sits back a bit in his
seat and says, “So, I want to ask you a question.”
Of course, I tell him to go ahead. To which he responds,
“Where are we? Am I back to ‘client status’?”
At first, I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about. We
hadn’t discussed our relationship since the very beginning. In fact, HE was the
one who completely shut down communication about feelings etc. Over the past
year he sent me mixed messages and while it was bizarre I didn’t concern myself
with it because it wasn’t holding me back from anything and quite frankly I
didn’t have the time to worry about it.
When we were in the company of other friends he’d talk about
me like we were together but often weeks would go by without us communicating
by phone, text or in person.
Feeling rather uncomfortable at the prospect of discussing
the intimate details in a public restaurant not to mention I was completely aware
of what I looked like and probably smelled like.
He made some valid points. He said “we had a pretty good
thing going”, and he wasn’t ready to give that up. I thought about what he was
saying and although I was seemingly indifferent, I thought the only difference
between what our relationship has been this past year which is basically friends
to picking up our romantic relationship again would be the sex.
