I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. I’ve been online on Plenty of Fish, Ashley Madison…HELL…even Facebook. The world is full of broken people…broken “toys”. I am one among them.
I talk to my male friends and I say “I don’t think I will ever meet a man I can let my guard down with and who I can trust.” That makes me sad because when I let my guard down and trust, I think I’m pretty amazing. I must be right? I am not saying that because I am conceited…believe me. I am saying that because when I let my guard down and am myself, I am surrounded by a pretty amazing group of people and why would an amazing group like that want to hang around with someone like me?
I also think there are degrees of “broken”. I’m probably somewhere in the middle. I am coming across all sorts of interesting broken toys on Plenty of Fish. Mostly down and out types. Several were supposedly quite successful at one point and are now doing blue collar work.
Biker Dude II had some sort of hang up which I never got the chance to combat. He dumped me for some unknown reason without any notice whatsoever. I just saw a picture of him on some biker website with a young, blonde painted girl. I don’t know if she was some chick from a biking show or his new girlfriend but it made me sad and of course it made me jealous. How could he be so cold? How did he move on SO fast? And why didn’t he fall head over heels in love with me?
That’s where I am broken apparently. Biker Dude II and I were nowhere near compatible and yet I craved his attention. My friends say I deserve better. One of my male friends actually told me that I am too far over BDII’s social level not to mention education. I try not to think that way but still…
So I suppose we all have to decide what level of broken is acceptable for us. My days of saving the down and out guy are past. No, that doesn’t mean he has to be filthy rich…god forbid. It just means that I am together on a professional level as well as a personal level and I am financially responsible. I just want the same in my partner. Is that too much to ask?
I often wonder if I will ever meet someone special…someone I feel that connection with who can still maintain an erection. I wonder if I will ever have sex again. The thought of never having sex again is really upsetting to me. I’m not even 50 yet for God’s sake!
Time is slipping by and although on a day to day basis I don’t NEED a man. I’m not looking for a husband or even a live in boyfriend. I guess I’m just looking for someone whose not broken…just bent.