Sins of the Father

I’ve been thinking a lot about sinning lately. It’s that time of the year where in my faith we do that. Also, a few different blogging buddies made comments that made me think about it.

Now that Kitty is single, I really don’t consider what I do as “sinning”. I’m going to try to explain my thought process but this may or may not sound logical so bear with me.

The way I look at it is that the men I have been with are pretty decent guys. They don’t lie about being married in fact as far as I know; they don’t lie to me at all. In reality they have no reason to lie to me. I’m not their wife and I’m not their mother. Most of the guys I see that are married are a hell of a lot nicer than some of the single guys I have seen.

As far as the married guys…well the way I see it is that they are doing what they need to do to keep their families intact and keep their sanity at the same time. I’ve been where they are. I couldn’t keep up the charade but I do give them credit for continuing to do what is best for their families and of course Kitty would never interfere with that.

So maybe Kitty’s logic is warped but in today’s world we have to do whatever it takes to get through and if it means sneaking away for a few hours of bliss with Kitty well…who am I to judge ;)

Passive Aggressive Much?

Angry Guy has been Needy/Sad Guy lately. I tend to think it’s a passive aggressive thing that he does. Occasionally he will look me directly in the eyes and say “Love me?” WAIT!!! STOP!!! I’ve fallen for this one too many times before. I have taken this opportunity on several occasions to open a dialogue about our sex life…or LACK thereof. It never ended well. So taking the advice of so many wonderful friends I have adopted the “don’t do the same things and expect a different reaction.”

Now when Angry Guy asks “Love me?” I look him straight in the eye and tell him EXACTLY what he wants to hear. “Of COURSE!” I say. Last night he added, “Are you IN love with me????” Ahhh…he thought he had me there. Kitty has learned believe me so Kitty looked Angry guy right in the eyes and though of the wonderful things he does do for our family and managed to say “Of course. I am IN love with you.” Of course my kids were looming and my daughter made a big fuss of the whole thing by telling me that I should “tell Daddy that you love him more!” TRAITOR!

Does Kitty think Angry Guy is suspicious of my prowling? Maybe. Sometimes I feel a little paranoid after T-Bone tells me stories about how his friends catch their wives cheating. The only clue that Angry Guy can possibly pick up on is that I am no longer nagging him for sex and I am as pleasant as pleasant can be.

Before this opens a whole dialogue about why Angry Guy won’t fuck Kitty let me say that I have gone over this and over this for years. I have gone over it with friends. I have gone over it with each and every one of my lovers. Kitty has an idea why Angry Guy is not as sexual as Kitty but Kitty can’t force Angry Guy to see a doctor. Kitty can’t force Angry Guy to stop smoking, eat healthy, exercise. A wise friend of mine told me that her husband drives her bananas. They have been married for years and years. One day she told me “I can’t change him. I can only change my reaction to him.” I couldn’t agree more.

Sex Without Passion

We have fallen into our same old routine. We eat dinner as a family, clean up then Angry Guy sits and watches television. Sometimes I try to sit beside him but lately I have had to compete with the kids and the dog so I take the opportunity to go up to my bedroom to read. My bedroom is my haven. I enjoy the little bit of quiet time that I have there until everybody realizes where I am and gallop to find me. Once the kids are showered and go to bed I am left once again to enjoy my quiet time while Angry Guy enjoys his. Most of the time I get the feeling he waits for me to fall asleep. Last night for whatever reason I was still awake when he came to bed.

I rolled onto my side with my back toward him as I always do not so much to give him the cold shoulder but because this is the position that easily allows me to fall asleep. He snuggled into me from behind gently which he often does. I know by now that this is sometimes simply his way of saying “good night”. Tonight he ran his hand down my hip realizing that I wasn’t wearing any panties he gave a sigh of approval. I whispered that I needed to brush my teeth. “So brush your teeth,” he said. I scurried into the bathroom and quickly freshened my breath. As I walked back to bed I slipped off the tee shirt I was wearing and locked the door. I slipped into bed and began kissing him. He rubbed me then grabbed my hand and pulled it down toward his cock. I rubbed him then immediately put him in my mouth letting him dictate the rhythm as he moved his hips. He pulled me up and I hopped on top of him rocking with him inside of me as he played with my breasts. He doesn’t speak. I kiss him and then he rolls me over onto my back so he can finish. This is our routine. We very rarely vary. After he cums he takes care of me.

It occurred to me in the middle of fucking him that our sex has no passion. I know you are all saying “Kitty, what the fuck do you want? You complain that he doesn’t fuck you then he finally does and you complain that you want PASSION?!” Well….YEAH!!!

I texted XXX and asked him if our sex was full of passion. His response was "Yes, of course!"

Is there something wrong with me? I mean what do you all think? What do you all get? Do you have sex with passion with your spouses after years and years of marriage? Kitty wants to know.

Kitty's Rant

Today is one of those days when I think I would be better off being a single mother. Angry Guy is off from work and I am in a particularly busy point in my career so I appreciate a little help with the kids. No such luck. Now, let me apologize upfront to my male readers for the rant I am about to go on. And, YES, I do understand that not all men are like Angry Guy but here’s the thing…

When Angry Guy is at work he is completely focused and does not need to concern himself with the kids or any drama from home because Kitty takes care of EVERYTHING.

Angry Guy wants Kitty to work and believe me Kitty loves working outside of the home although admittedly I put my brilliant career on the back burner to be a dedicated mother (inserting fingers in my mouth to gag). No really, I have and I am not resentful much at all.

The thing that Angry Guy doesn’t get is that I have been unable to find anybody to pay me to just sit here and look pretty. He wants me to be home for the kids AND work. Okay so he’s not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.

Well today is especially frustrating because the school nurse called and said one of the kids needs to be picked up and Angry Guy is nowhere to be found. No, it’s not that he is in some hotel room with someone. Angry Guy simply turned off his cell phone and is ignoring the 10 messages that the school nurse left on the answering machine at home. So now the nurse is calling MY cell.

The hysterical thing is not only that we live across from the school but you can’t even imagine the shit storm that would occur if I ever turned off my cell and ignored messages from Angry Guy. The reason I know this is because years ago I did it and it wasn’t pretty. So even though I joke about wearing an ankle bracelet, my bracelet comes in the form of a smart phone.

It’s really the same old shit with him isn’t it? Things are fine and then he acts like a total asshole. The sad thing is the kids don’t even care anymore. I shouldn’t say that. It’s not nice. But the other day I had to take them to a doctor’s appointment with me. The doctor was asking all about our family history and we started talking about smoking and how Angry Guys smokes. Later the kids were asking me questions like “What will happen to us if daddy dies from lung cancer?” How sad is that?

I assured my youngest that I purposely take care of myself so that I can live a healthy life and take care of them for as long as they need me. Other than my obvious sex addiction I don't smoke or over indulge in any other substances. Once they realized that if anything ever happened to Angry Guy their lives would pretty much remain the same as far as where and how we live they were calm. If anything ever happened to Kitty however…

Yo-yo Marriage

I was working with XXX yesterday afternoon. Things were great except for whatever reason his assistant has been overboard friendly to me lately. I am okay with that except I can’t exactly be myself around her which is weird. I can act professionally but when we are talking on a personal level I talk “Jersey Talk” which I believe offends her. What can I say? My real friends know me but whatever! I am suspicious that she is a witch and is putting some sort of spell on me. I’ve never felt better so if she is putting a spell on me I say “thank you”.

My favorite time is when his assistants leave and XXX and I can just chat. I can let my guard down and say whatever I want to and ask whatever questions I want to. Here’s an example. When his assistants are around I will say “So any big plans this weekend?”

Yesterday after they left XXX asked me if I ever heard of “Butt Chugging.” See the difference?

So after his assistants left yesterday he and I began our pre-weekend marriage evaluation. Apparently XXX went out on a “date” with his wife last weekend. I completely missed that or he forgot to tell me but basically I have deemed his marriage as a “Yo-yo Marriage”. Whenever XXX is happy and resolved to getting divorced his wife pulls him back in and starts going to therapy, initiating dates and whatnot. Once she hooks him and he is ready to move back into the house and give up his cute little condo she puts the brakes on.

It’s become a joke between XXX and me at this point. Man and I thought I was fucked in the head. XXX’s wife has me beat for sure. In the meantime I am sitting on the sidelines and living my life to the fullest. XXX told me yesterday he doesn’t want to start our affair again based on his wife’s crazy Yo-yo attitude. I agree. I don’t want to be dragged down by her fuck-nut ways.

Then of course XXX and I began talking about our situation. We are pretty much both in the same type of marriages. We are staying marriage for the sake of our young children for now and hoping that life will bring us together in a legitimate way in the future.

We talked about all the things that we want to do together and how we want to live our lives in a “partnership”. I told XXX that I agree that he has to do what he can to work this crazy marriage out with his wife but that I think she is a complete fuck-nut and wishy washy. Kitty HATES wishy-washy people ESPECIALLY women! The last thing that I said to XXX on my way out the door was “If and when you and I are together in a permanent committed relationship I will not put up with her shit and I will not live my life wondering if I am in or out.”

XXX agreed and we ended our day together.

“Going Where Life Takes Me”

Kitty is trying to get used to this new life of mine. A life if fidelity. Some days I think so clearly and I am happy. Other days I miss the thrill. The other day it was raining in the morning. As I drove to work I couldn’t help but think that it would be a perfect day to meet a lover. It would be the perfect day to sneak away to a cozy hotel room and feel the touch of a man after months of not.

I considered contacting someone. I decided against it. I do NOT miss the feeling of rejection from this whole life of a prowler. THAT I don’t miss. I thought to myself “If he contacts me I will switch some things in my schedule and meet him.”

The possibility of getting the text from XXX was also a possibility. He and I discussed it briefly and I was due to work with him in the afternoon. We ended up working. At the end of the day, it was fine to just let the chips fall where they may.

I lay awake at night and try to remember some of the good times. I try to remember some of my better lovers and the fun circumstances around meeting them. I think about G often and XXX of course but night after night the memory of my lovers and the feel of their touch fades just a little more.

Dodger has mysteriously re-appeared and has wanted to meet. The time has passed and to be quite honest I have met some wonderful men and wonderful lovers. He simply does not compare. The time has passed where I want to be treated as disposable.

For now this feels right. I am taking all of that time that I used to spend on thinking about them, wondering about them and I spend it on myself. I am finally getting on track with my eating and of course the gym. I am losing weight and feeling great.

XXX and I are better than ever with each other.

The other day I playfully texted him and said “Miss me?”

XXX’s response was “Of course! How is your day going?”

I told XXX that Big Cheese has a female friend that he wants to fix up with XXX. XXX gracefully declined as I knew he would saying, “I am going to be alone for a while and just go where life takes me.”

I jokingly told him that was the wrong answer. He was supposed to say “Kitty, you are the only woman for me.” He was flattered apparently and said “Bless you Kitty.”

For once in my life I am not going to go after what I want and just take it. I am going to follow XXX’s lead and “go where life takes me”. So far it feels pretty good.

Bad Sex Karma

I am a big believer in karma. You wouldn’t think so but I am. So “Angry Guy” and I have this constant struggle. See, I have a much stronger sex drive then he does. I could have sex nearly every night. “Angry Guy”…not so much.

We have gone around and around about this. I feel as though he is not attracted to me which of course makes me eat which of course makes me even less attractive. I have tried to lose weight out of anger for him. Like “fuck you Angry Guy! If you don’t want me I will be so hot that everybody else does!”

The funny thing is that Angry Guy is a pretty jealous guy. He doesn’t trust me around any man except maybe Big Cheese and maybe XXX which is pretty ironic but I gotta tell you they are looking pretty hot to me now.

The idea of him being jealous is hysterical to me because there is not exactly a line out the door waiting for this little lady to become single. In fact if I ever WERE single again, I doubt there would be any takers.

I will admit that I am pre-occupied if not obsessed with sex. This is possibly because I rarely get it anymore which makes me sad because I do enjoy it.

Believe me I have thought about this situation thousands of times over the years that Angry Guy and I have been together. Apparently I have always wanted sex more than him. I was always up for the quickie before work and then the longer session after work. He was always the one that said he couldn’t function at work after that. I used to think of it as a compliment. Now I am looking back just thinking that he didn’t have as much of a drive as I do. I look back at all the times we slept together before we were married and think that he was able to do it every night when we were together because we weren’t together every single night like we are now.

I have asked friends both male and female “What the fuck?” Am I the only woman out there who wants sex more than my husband?? Well, my friends have come up with the following explanations as to why my husband seems to be the only living man out there who refuses sex with his wife…me.

Generally my male friends say he is gay. Okay, I ASSURE you that is not it although I have on occasion joked about my Ex possibly swinging in that direction. I have wondered if maybe Angry Guy's nationality is just not as sexual. Angry Guy is English. Maybe the English aren’t as horny?  I know Italian men have quite the libido though so his nationality is an option.

 My other friends say maybe his health is a factor. That seems like the most likely idea to me. Here’s the thing though. Angry Guy NEVER goes to the doctor and I am not about to start nagging him about going now. He is a chain smoker and at least 50 pounds overweight. I am sure this has SOMETHING to do with it but I am not his mother and feel strongly that if it is not important to him to be healthy for his wife and children then all I can do is stay healthy for our children.

The last and unfortunately the thing I tend to lean toward the most is that Angry Guy is simply not attracted to me anymore. He loves me…I mean WHO WOULDN’T?!?!? I suppose the physical attraction is just not there for him. This hit home for me several times but I revisited it last night. I was reading a new book and one of the characters is in a similar situation where the husband was simply not attracted to her…just like that. This is obviously where my feeling of “I am going to get so hot that other guys notice me” attitude is coming from. I know this is juvenile but I am over it already.

Angry Guy has a whole repertoire of tricks and excuses to avoid having sex with me. He uses work as an excuse when he is working. On his days off he uses being stressed about upcoming work as an excuse.

The thing that really gets me is that he will flirt with me all day long. He will grab me and kiss me and make remarks about wanting more. This gets me crazy. This is foreplay right?? I heard Sting does that shit for days with his wife. Maybe Angry Guy is training me for a life of tantric sex with Sting. No thank you!

Anyway, I have made sure to communicate with Angry Guy on several occasions that whenever he wants sex from me he will get it so when he does the flirting thing it is really disappointing to me when I go upstairs to read and I know he is downstairs waiting for me to fall asleep.

I have tried everything to deal with the issue. I have made threats which of course backfired. I have pleaded…no good. And I have acted indifferent. Basically indifferent is where I am now it used to tear me up inside. Thank God for Ashley Madison!

Whenever I make a comment about sex with other men around I generally hear things like “Angry Guy is a lucky man.” XXX used to make the comment whenever we were in bed.

I hate to tell XXX that even if his wife lets him back into the house their sex life will not improve. Yes, I am bitter but I am also a realist.

More and more I have decided that this is bad sex karma for me. When I was married to the Ex he wanted sex all the time. He sort of repulsed me at the time so I acted pretty much the way Angry Guy acts with me…without the flirting part.

I know you are asking why I ever married the Ex in the first place. Hey, we looked good on paper. At the time I was not enlightened about sex so I figured I could deal for 50-60 years. It turns out I was wrong. The Ex used to climb on top of me which was a total turn off. Anyway I am trying to block it out so I don’t want to go into detail. Bottom line is that I know how Angry Guy feels and I don’t want him to feel worse but why should I have to repress all this great sexual energy?

The ironic part of this whole thing is that the Ex is now taking blood pressure medication which I understand fucks with a man’s ability to have an erection. So it turns out the Ex has a little bad sex karma himself.

Wives

The other day at work XXX made a comment that I am the only woman who craves sex as much as a man. He told me I am a "unicorn" whatever the hell THAT means. I know that I can't possibly be the ONLY woman.
I am fascinated, however by the wives of some of my lovers. I like to know what they will and will not do and why. I am not trying to pry. I am a task oriented person as well as a "people pleaser" so in an effort to be a "Good Kitty" I like to do my research so that I can please my partner.
I’d love to meet these women to pick their brains only because some of their husbands are REALLY good lovers…some of them.
So, what's up? Are these women in "Mommy mode"? Can they not find their way out? Now don't get me wrong. There is something to be said for giving up your life to raise your kids. I love my kids but hell, I'm still a WOMAN! I want to be loved and desired just like the old me before I had kids. So, what you are saying is that other women don't feel that way???
WTF?! That's madness!!
Now I for one have the opposite problem that you might see on Dr. Phil or one of those damned talk shows. On Dr. Phil the women complain that they can't just switch gears and go from changing shitty diapers to sucking on their husband's dick. Okay, I get that...sort of. I don't happen to have that problem.
My issue is that Angry Guy sees me now as the mother of his children...Madonna more or less only alot less make-up and jewelry. Wait...wrong "Madonna". He has me up on a pedistal. He won't "disrespect" my body by touching it much less cumming on it. I have to be honest here. Looking back Angry Guy was never as adventurous in the bedroom as I was and he sure as hell isn't about to start now.
So, I ask you what the hell is with these women who won't fuck their husbands? Don't they know how lucky they are that their husbands still LOOK at them as desireable?
Listen, if any of the men who read this blog agree and would like to send their wives my way let me know. I'd love to interview them and write about it. It's fascinating to me, sort of like a unicorn.

Finding My Way OFF the Shit List

The only way I can really tell if I am not on the Angry Guy’s shit list is if he makes me breakfast in the morning. If he is REALLY in a good mood he will make me an egg and leave it on the counter for me when I come down in the morning.

More often than not especially these days, I come down to an empty counter. The other day I was really on the shit list. The reason I know this is because I went to the gym and walked the dog. When I was just about back to my house the Angry Guy drove past. He said something out the window but I didn’t hear him. Most likely it wasn’t “Have a great day. I love you.”

He was pissed because he had to leave the kids alone or so he thought. He was leaving for work and I wasn’t home from walking the dog yet.

Angry Guy keeps me on a pretty short leash. Yes, the expression is too appropriate.

I often ask myself “when did the Angry Guy and I stop being each other’s best friends?” I mean we tell each other we are best friends but I don’t think either one of us believes it anymore.

When did my best friend become some strange guy in a hotel room? When did his best friend become his carton of cigarettes?

I have a photo of us that was taken at our wedding. We are walking back up the isle just after the ceremony. We are both smiling. I am looking down and Angry Guy is looking at me and reaching to touch my hair. I can’t even describe the look on his face except to say that he looked truly in love. If I weren’t the person he was reaching for that’s exactly what I would think.

The justice of the peace at our wedding had us wrap our arms around each other and look into each other’s eyes. He told us to remember that moment whenever our marriage hits hard times.

It doesn’t really help.