Sunday, July 31, 2011

Tube of Lube

I have to admit that I am a girl who loves toys. Yes, ALL SORTS of toys! Up until recently I never needed or used lube…you know LUBRICANT! I still don’t NEED it but received a tube of KY Warming jelly sort of as a joke gift for Valentine’s Day.
Guess what, this stuff is NO JOKE! I am totally addicted to it. I can’t even describe how good this stuff feels. All I can say is that I am absolutely lost in ecstasy when I use it. The thing is I don’t even want the toys anymore. All I need is the KY Warming jelly and a good set of hands preferably a man’s hands.

So if you are looking to spice things up in the bedroom, I highly recommend a dime size dollop of KY Warming Jelly. It will rock your world.

Friday, July 29, 2011


It’s actually pretty ironic that I have a sex blog. I don’t actually have much sex. I guess that’s my inspiration. I obsess over sex because I want what I don’t have. That is true. If I am having a conversation with a man, my boss, my neighbor, my kid’s friend’s father I try to picture how they would be in bed.
I think I could pretty much have good sex with anybody at this stage of the game. Today I was at work and a guy who works down the hall came in to chat. It’s Friday so everything is pretty casual as far as dress and attitude. So this guy was going on and on about his ex-wife and how he googles her but how he is not a stalker and all I can think about is how I would fuck this guy.

He’s pretty geeky so it would be especially fun for me I think. Something tells me nerdy guys are especially “giving” in bed. I’d LOVE to find out.

There is a part of me that loves to shock people. I love to make people laugh and I love to turn men on. It’s an ego thing with me, I think.

At any rate I wonder if I am the only person that does this. I wonder if men look at me and wonder how I am in bed. I think my appearance is deceiving. I think most men would write me off as a chick that does the missionary position and that’s it.

Well, we all know that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Fucking my Boss

I have been thinking about fucking my boss lately. Am I the only one who does this? Fantasize, I mean, not fucking my boss. It is purely fantasy not an actual possibility.

He has his own charm that not all women find attractive. He is somewhat pompous and I can see where he would be arrogant but with me he is pretty cool.

The funny thing is that he is not particularly hot or in great shape. He just does it for me I guess. I just have a tendency to look at him and think “I wonder how he would be in bed”.

I wonder if he would be aggressive and forceful like he is at work or would he be a big pussy? I am thinking forceful. I like that.

I wonder if he is wild and likes to try new things or if he is strictly “missionary”. I am thinking based on stories he tells me about his wife pushing him away and denying him sex that a woman like me would kill him.

I wonder if he is kind and romantic after sex or if he is the kick you out of bed type of guy. I am thinking romantic but I can’t get a read.

I wonder what else comes along with it like is he a gift giver or does he like to go to the beach. Not that I would fuck him for money but he’s got a lot and what the fuck?! It wouldn’t kill him to share a little with me!

Occasionally we discuss sex and lack thereof but since he is the boss he is painfully aware of his position and would never jeopardize our professional relationship.

So for now I go into work a few days a week and wait for him to close the door to his office. I wait for him to grab me and force himself on me for the sake of it.

I wait for him to tell me that he has found the love of his life or that he has gotten back together with his wife who he so lovingly refers to as “Cunt” so that my fantasy remains just that…a fantasy.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Thank You

Can I just take a moment to thank my friend for sending me some awesome dick pics the other day? Dude, you know who you are and let me say, I was NOT disappointed.

Now I am not sure if this was purely coincidental or if he read my “Dick Pic” blog but sure enough the next morning after posting that blog my email was full of some beautiful, yes…BEAUTIFUL dick shots.

If you are reading this and you give me the word I would be happy to post one or two without your head of course.

At any rate thanks so much. You DO make me smile.

Now for those of you who have not sent me your dick pics you can make it up to me by rating the posting that I made on Literotica. Thanks again. I really appreciate your support.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Is It Cheating to Fantasize?

Once upon a time there lived a much younger, thinner more beautiful version of me that did not enjoy…SEX!! I know…right?!?!?!

To be honest I am not sure if the problem was with me or with my Ex husband. It is really a shame actually because if memory serves, he was pretty well endowed just didn’t use the THING properly. Okay so for argument’s sake let’s assume that the problem was with HIM. I am smiling by the way as I type this.

When the Ex and I were separated I had a “life changing” experience. Basically I had a night of “passion” with a fellow classmate while attending school. This was a rebound thing. Bottom line is that I learned quite a bit about the act of sex and learned how to let my inhibitions go and most importantly learned how to relax.

This in my opinion is the key to a great sex life. From that point on each and every time I had sex was excellent to say the least. It is no secret that I enjoy my husband and will continue to enjoy him. My question is…if one is to fantasize about another partner while you are in the midst of the act is that considered cheating?

Now if “The Angry Guy” were to tell me that he was thinking about some hot piece of ass that he works with I am not sure that I would be insulted. It is easy for me to say however because I know that he doesn’t. I know that HE considers it cheating…okay I will ask him but I am 95% sure he will say that in his opinion it is cheating.

I would assume that quite a few men fantasize that they are with different women while with their significant other but I haven’t had the discussion with female friends.

Sometimes I like to imagine myself in a threesome. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. Two men of course. HEY! It’s MY fantasy! If you want two women then read someone else’s blog.

I would love to have one guy behind me while I am top of another. Guy #2 underneath me is either sucking my nipples, kissing my lips or licking my…

Another idea would be Guy #1 behind me and I could be sucking on Guy #2. Am I the only lady out there who loves my mouth occupied while fucking? I mean I love receiving oral don’t get me wrong but I much prefer kissing or giving a blow job while having something else done to me.

Any thoughts on the subject?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Dick Pic Game

I have a Facebook friend that refuses to believe that the men who comment on my Facebook page are not “into” me. He insists that these guys have “crushes” and that they think I am “hot” and “want” me. My Facebook friend is CLEARLY delusional and from another part of the country!!! LOL Sorry Dude, I love you but this could not be farther from the truth.

I will admit that I have quite a few male friends on Facebook but I also have quite a few female friends. One of my totally cool female friends turned me on to this blog that publishes HNT (Half Nekked Thursday) photos for those of us who do not feel comfortable posting on our own blogs.

For the record NOBODY wants to see any half naked photos of me…I assure you. “The Angry Guy” is legally obligated but even HE doesn’t want to see any shots of me half naked. Aside from this website it turns out that there are quite a few…um…DICK photos floating around. I always knew they were out and about on the general internet but my friends are receiving them via personal email. What the fuck?!?! Nobody is sending ME their DICK shots!!!!!

What the hell?!?! Am I not worthy??? And before you ask, YES I did just consume a strong cup of coffee as well as a chocolate glazed Dunkin’ Donut. The over use of exclamation marks, question marks and the cap lock are a great indicator.

So I wanna know if nobody is sending me dick shots because I am not hot enough? To me that would be a compliment of sorts. It is like a guy saying “Hey, how’s your day going? I am thinking about you and this is what I think.” Oh, yeah I am talking about and erect penis please. I would appreciate it if my male friends would refrain from sending their flaccid dick shots. That would just make me feel worse about myself.

Perhaps if I build a collection we can have a game. Like “Identify the Dick” game. Maybe I can get Babeland to donate a toy as a prize and whoever matches the dick with its owner will win a prize. Dudes don’t laugh too hard. This is how Mark Zuckerberger started out.

Monday, July 11, 2011

That Woman in the Porn is NOT Me! I SWEAR!

JEEZ-US! I was just about to sit down and write an innocent blog about the evils of sugar when I checked my facebook inbox and BAM! My silent sex blog consultant shot me a link to a particular porn clip. OMG! If that chick had curly hair she could have been me!!! She had the same damn nighty that I just bought with my Victoria’s Secret gift card.

I thought and thought about all the men I have been with and if any camera crews were in the room with me at any given time during any of my sexual encounters. I would remember that, right?

Okay so she was giving a guy a blow job and you all know I was studying her technique. I am always looking for new little tricks. My consultant obviously sent me the link because the woman in the porn used Altoids and I think my consultant was trying to bring back that horrible Altoid incident that I experienced...either that or he wanted me to see how I SHOULD have done it.

The problem I have with porn, specifically this clip was that there are a lot of distractions for me. First and foremost the fact that this chick was wearing my exact nighty. Second, who the hell was filming this?!!? Was the guy holding the camera with one hand and patting the woman’s head with his other? If he WAS holding the camera he did a damn good job of keeping it straight!

The music was also quite distracting. I suppose it is that way in most porn.

Initially it looked like the guy’s penis was black but the rest of him was white. I am not sure if this was my imagination or not. Maybe he didn’t clean properly. Maybe he had that illness that Michael Jackson claimed he had where he “turned” white. I wonder if Michael Jackson’s penis stayed black while the rest of him turned white.

The last thing that caught my attention was the way this guy patted the woman’s head at the end…sort of like she was a dog. Is that a common thing that guys do? “The Angry Guy” doesn’t pat my head…EVER! He knows better.

So you can all see that I have a little “Porn A.D.D.” But the bottom line is that even though that woman in the video resembles me… that woman in the porn is NOT me! I SWEAR!

See for yourself if you don’t believe me.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Cocoa Dick

My friend “Red” just commented that ice cubes are supposed to have a positive effect when “pleasuring a man orally”…okay giving a guy a blow job.

You know I am up to try just about anything especially if I can blog about it later. There is just one thing standing in my way. It’s “The Angry Guy”.

“The Angry Guy” doesn’t like to bring food into the bed. He thinks it’s “messy”. Dude, I am TRYING to be adventurous here! Okay, you got me. I am also trying to eat dessert. What can I say; I am a multi-tasker.

I could probably push the issue with “The Angry Guy” but I know deep down that he is right. He is always right about these things.

I just know that there would be a big chocolaty mess in my sheets and I’d either have to change the sheets in the middle of the night when I usually like to roll over and fall asleep or I will wake up to a big mess.

Damn I hate when “The Angry Guy” is right and I am trying to be sexual.

I am going to add that to my sexual bucket list. “Spread nutella on a man’s dick and lick it off”.

Friday, July 8, 2011

“Supersex” The Review

When I first read Kittycat’s review of “Supersex” I was oh so excited. She highly recommended it so I purchased it online straight away. I was pleased at how quickly the book arrived. The first issue of course is that when any package arrives at our house EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE wants to know what it is. I do a lot of ordering on QVC and Zappos and now of course on Amazon. Did I mention that if you shop on Amazon through my website I get like half a penny? Hey, those penny halves add up so shop away!

So the book arrives and I open it discretely and quietly realizing what it is. Of course it came today which is the one day that EVERYBODY is home and anxiously awaiting. I opened it quietly and then made the mistake of flashing it to “The Angry Man” who made a pleased noise as opposed to his usual “Is that ANOTHER cookbook you won’t use?” noise.

As soon as the noise came out of “The Angry Man’s” mouth, #1 who is hibernating in his mini man cave corner playing on his computer says “What’s that?” He was so curious that he actually picked his ass up off of his comfy overstuffed chair and ottoman. “The Angry Man” said “none of your business.” This only intrigued #1 more. I took the book out of “The Angry Man’s” hands and began to head upstairs to change and put the book in a more private place when #1 met me to see JUST what I had. I knew it was wrong and I knew I would be scarring him for life but I wanted to get that pain in the ass off my back so I flashed him the book. The cover itself although sensual is not inappropriate. The title of the book is not neon. Tasteful is the way I would describe it…tasteful for a sex manual that is.

Flashing that book to #1 was like holding garlic up to a vampire. He made a disgusted sound and walked briskly in the opposite direction. To add insult to injury I said, “Don’t bother asking if you can borrow it”. Yes, I am one of those obnoxious, immature mothers but he asked for it.

Upon first flip through the book seems nice. Illustrated for people like me who can’t wipe their own asses without a set of directions. All of the bodies both men and women were beautiful by the way.

There are a lot of step by step instructions which generally I like but I have read these before. In fact I am tempted to say this book is just a bunch of articles from “Cosmopolitan Magazine” with more pictures.

My suspicions coincidentally were confirmed. This morning I came downstairs to find the latest issue of “Cosmo” on the front table. It was not mine. It obviously came from #1. At first I thought maybe he was toying with me after the brown wrapper incident and then I realized the magazine must be his girlfriend’s. I am wondering what the hell she needs this magazine for. She won’t be “Seducing Him with Moves that Work from 20 Feet Away”…at least if I have anything to say about it!

So that is a good example of exactly the type of information that is in “Supersex”. There is actually a diagram of a couple having sex while the man is standing and the woman is doing a handstand. I sort of just have to laugh at that one…not that I wouldn’t try it but it just goes to show you how important gymnastics in high school gym can be. I am wishing I practiced more back then.

So here is the thing with the book. I paid all of $7 for the book including shipping and handling so it was not a big investment. It was a good read. There was a lot of information about getting in the mood and relaxing to get in the mood. I don’t need any of that. I can turn a switch and get “in the mood” but according to what my gynecologist tells me I am out of the norm. In fact, I believe at my last visit she said “we need to bottle whatever you have and sell it”.

Initially I was opposed to recommending this book for purchase however the book has brought a few things into this house. 1. I am not a frigid female…I know big news flash. 2. It opened up a communication between “The Angry Man” and I which I love. I told him where the book is and he seemed somewhat interested in browsing through that. I am not sure if he has or not but I think if he looks through it he may pick up some ideas or if nothing else realize that there are people out there doing this shit and it is not just shit I am coming up with off the top of my head.

Bottom line is I recommend reading this book. If you can get it out of the library I would start there and if you like it that much that you want to own it then  I recommend buying the cheapest way…AMAZON…THROUGH MY BLOG of course!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Sex Candy Tester

A few weeks ago one of my friends made a comment on facebook about Altoids. After a few back and forth remarks and a little online research I found out that apparently if one sucks on an Altoid prior to giving one’s partner oral gratification the peppermint supposedly adds to the pleasure of the person receiving the gratification.

Wow, that was tough to write. I am trying to keep this at an “R” rating but I suppose writing about being a sex candy tester in the first place brings everything up to an “X” to “XXX” rating from the get go.

Okay, out of respect to my beloved partner I will not go into graphic detail. Suffice it to say that he did not seem to notice a difference and in fact the damn Altoid flew out of my mouth into the bed and made a huge mess for me to deal with in the morning. We are getting up there in years so the time to do this crap has apparently passed me by because I no longer have patience for additional laundry specifically sheets.

So I made a remark on facebook about the experiment going a rye and a friend of mine sent me a website where you can purchase all sorts of sex toys and more specifically sex CANDY.

I had no idea there was SUCH a variety out there. Where the hell have I been? Okay, well now that I have discovered it I have lots of questions that the website does not address.

I am wondering if I could perhaps be a Sex Candy tester. That is a job title, right? I mean somebody has to test these things. They can’t just put them out on the market can they? Are they FDA approved?

Now my financial background definitely comes in handy in other aspects of my life. Is it my financial background or my obsessive compulsive tendencies but at any rate I have considered this testing job and planned out my strategy given the opportunity.

First of all I would make up a spreadsheet. I gotta say I LOVE a good spreadsheet. That is obviously where my financial background comes in handy. The spreadsheet would help me by listing the type and/or name of the candy. I would document the intended outcome for instance is the candy supposed to be sweet, sour. Is the candy supposed to enhance arousal etc?

I would then document what people REALLY need to know. Does the candy make a mess? Does the candy actually taste good, does the candy produce the advertised satisfaction? Most importantly as I have come to appreciate through my newfound love of diet and fitness…is the candy low calorie or sugar free?

Really these things are the important things that need to be addressed when producing sex candy, at least in my opinion. So if there are any sex candy manufacturers out there who need responsible testers please feel free to contact me. Oh, and as always if there are any sex candy manufacturers that would like to sponsor my blog I will be happy to test and endorse your products IF of course they live up to “industry standards.”

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Fuck it! Let's Just Open a Sex Blog and Call it a Day

I am not typically a follower. I am a leader, at least that’s what I think. But my friends have been after me to open up a blog of a COMPLETELY open nature. They want me to open a blog which is open about sex. Well, here we are people!
To look at me you would never expect me to be as sexual a person as I am. I happen to enjoy sex. I wouldn’t call myself a "Sex Addict" but I think about it all the time and I happen to believe that a lot of people out there do as well and I am not just talking about men. Come on ladies! Help me out here!
I am not sure what the young kids are doing now a days but I for one am into blow jobs lately. I have really come to adore them. It was only very recently that I really started to get excited myself while giving them. It’s an oral thing with me. I like my mouth going while I am being pleasured. I suppose that is why god invented "69".
Really these are the things they should teach you in sex ed class. No, actually I see why they don’t and as the mother of a teen-ager I can tell already that he has lost his virginity and although I am quite sexual myself and quite open with my children about sex, it still breaks my heart a little. I was hoping he was going to make it to college before he lost his virginity.
Oh, look at me. This is my first entry of the new blog and already I am rambling. I apologize for that but just so you know my overall attitude is that I don’t apologize on my blogs. If you comment I will typically not edit in any way so feel free to add your input, opinions and suggestions.
Wow! That sounded totally grown up! Let’s try to keep that to a bare minimum. I am nothing if not immature.
At any rate, I hope there are people who enjoy this blog. The more the merrier so please share with your friends if you like and comment,comment,comment.