"Whole Lotta Love"

The weekend was jam packed with activity. Kitty had lots of vanilla errands to run and since I hadn’t heard from E2 I promised to take my kids to a movie and dinner. Sure enough mid afternoon on Saturday he texted, “What are you doing later?”

All the books and all Kitty’s vanilla friends say to tell him, “I’m going out with a friend.”  So I did. At the same time Kitty was texting a vanilla bestie who said, “It sounds like he’s trying to ask you out.”

WTF?!?!?!? Kitty just can’t win. So I told E2 I’d meet him afterwards. Although we hatched a plan, Kitty made the mistake I often make which is asking E2 how long it’s been…since he’s fucked. He said a few weeks. Why oh why does Kitty ask that question. The answer always seems to be the same and it always make’s Kitty feel bad. E2 asked Kitty, “What are you looking for?”

For the first time Kitty was able to describe what I am looking for. “I want to be someone’s #1. I’ve stood behind jobs, kids, wives and other girlfriends for years and now it’s my turn to be #1.” And while E2 said he understood, he assured Kitty that he was not looking for a girlfriend.

And Kitty being Kitty agreed to meet E2 at his place for a drink even though we want different things and even though I knew we would end up fucking.

E2 has a quaint little house on the water out in the country. It’s quite different from Kitty’s house at the beach. The view of the lake was incredible. E2 fixed Kitty a drink, turned on the classic rock channel on iTunes and we sat out on his deck talking for a few hours. He asked Kitty several times, “What do you think of this view?”

We talked about sex. We talked about work. We listed to Clapton, Pink Floyd and then…it was time for Kitty to leave.

“See, I kept my hands to myself,” E2 said “Maybe we can hang out again.” He stood up to give Kitty a hug…and then Kitty kissed E2…a gentle peck on the lips at first and then the kiss became deeper and more passionate. Kitty felt E2’s enormous bulge between us and I wanted him. E2 unbuttoned Kitty’s jeans and reached inside to rub my clit. Kitty reached in and felt his cock. It was quite possibly the biggest Kitty has ever seen.

“Let’s go inside,” Kitty said “Where do you want me?”

“On the Couch,” he answered. He turned off the lights and left the music blaring. 

Immediately I knew why he wanted to fuck on the couch…the view of the lake. E2 sat on the couch watching Kitty slowly take off my blouse. I slipped of my bra which E2 had unclipped out on the deck. He took off his shirt. Kitty slipped off my pants then knelt in front of E2 as he sat back. I pulled off his pants exposing his huge cock then slowly put it in my mouth trying to take in the entire thing. His hands gently rested on my head and I could hear him slightly say,”oh that feels good.” As the music pulsated. 

Kitty moved up and began to ride E2’s cock. His cock filled Kitty so much so that I could hardly move. He rubbed Kitty’s nipples sucking the right…then the left. The music was so loud. It was Robert Plant singing, “Whole Lotta Love.” Kitty was just about to tell E2 that I couldn’t come when he grabbed both of my nipples nibbling on each as I moved up and down on his cock to the rhythm of the music, “I’m gonna give you every inch of my love.” And then…as Kitty was nibbling E2’s ear, he was sucking my nipples, I was riding his cock and Robert Plant was screaming, “I’m gonna give you every inch of my love,” Kitty came and moaned in E2’s ear. He continued thrusting inside of Kitty and said, “How’s that pussy feel?” Kitty’s pussy felt pretty good but it was E2’s turn to cum. “Turn around,” he said. Kitty turned around and rode E2’s cock reverse cow girl. That’s when I saw it. That’s when I could see what got E2 off. As E2 fucked Kitty from behind, I could see the lake out of the window…the moon overhead. He was looking at it too.

I stood up for a moment, E2 stood up and I could hear him over the music say, “go down on me.” He stood facing the lake as I knelt in front of him trying once again to take in his entire cock. For the first time in a long time Kitty began to gag. E2 stroked his cock and held the head in Kitty’s mouth. Kitty sucked and licked until I felt the sweet taste of cum in my mouth. E2 let out one last moan. Kitty stood and tried to kiss E2. He pulled away. He didn’t want to kiss Kitty with the taste of cum still in my mouth.

“It’s yours,” I said

“Don’t use your tongue,” he answered.

This struck me as funny. Kitty gave E2 one last kiss and snuck my tongue in his mouth. Kitty is very naughty.

I haven’t heard from E2 today. I didn’t expect to hear from him. I don’t expect to hear from him tomorrow either. I knew what I was doing. I’m not sure exactly why I fucked E2 knowing it would be the end. Maybe Kitty is weak. Maybe Kitty is lonely for the touch of a man…any man or maybe Kitty just wanted to share a good feeling with a man that I have grown to like if only for one night.

The High

There’s nothing like the feeling you get when you make a special connection with another person whether it be a friend or a lover. It’s a high. It’s a feeling like no other. It’s rawness like the slightest breeze will cut through you and push you over.

Every now and then I get a text or an email…from HIM. This morning he sent me a simple text that said simply “I’m thinking about you, Kitty xoxoxox”.

I wanted to cry. As simple as it was, it brightened my dismal morning. I had butterflies in my stomach. It took my breath away. I wonder if he knows just how much those small gestures mean to me. Maybe that’s not good. Maybe if he knows he will back away just like all the others. Only he is NOT like all the others.

There is sensitivity, vulnerability, sincerity that none of the others had. He reminded me the other day that I discounted him originally. It nearly broke my heart. God I am an idiot. The real crime is who I let in. The real crime is that I was listening to all the wrong men when he was waiting patiently for me to realize.

What can I do to make it up to him? What can I do to make him see my regret?

Happy Birthday, Baby xoxoxox

Attachment

I just had an awful text argument with Rav. I am not even sure how it happened. We started out texting funny and sexy things to one another then I texted something which I guess was below the belt because Rav texted back “You’ve gone too far.”

That’s when it hit me, that feeling, that nausea. I know now what causes it. It’s caused by rejection. I shed nearly 5 pounds since XXX rejected me. Will this be another 5?

I apologized to Rav but I am still shaking at the thought of him calling off our scheduled encounter. This isn’t right. I have become attached. That’s bad right? That’s dangerous. Unsatisfied is always telling me that.

I am just not cut out for this. I am not cut out for the lifestyle and yet I am drawn to it. There are aspects of it that come naturally to me.

For one thing I have no problem getting to the hotel and following through with the sex. Not just following through. I ENJOY it. So far I have enjoyed each and every one of my partners. They are all very different yet enjoyable in their own ways.

I enjoy the youth of Unsatisfied and the gentle ways of G. I even enjoyed my time with XXX while I had it.

I have no problem carrying on with the rest of my everyday life as though all is right with the world. The “Angry Guy” can yell at me and he can withhold sex from me but as long as I have an encounter to look forward to, I can deal.

I have no doubt that sex with Rav will be amazing. My fear is that it will be TOO amazing. My fear is that I will want more and more. That’s bad, right?

It’s like crack. I am an addict. I am beginning to empathize with Tiger Wood. That’s bad right?

So tell me…how can Naughty Kitty detach?

New Rules:

As expected I have been catching a bunch of shit over the blog I wrote over the weekend about falling for XXX. What can I say? I fucked up and I know it.

Can I tell you though that odd as it may sound I have a little network of AM consultants that are guiding me through in my time of need.  This has been a curse and a blessing my entire life. I have always managed to make friends with men more easily that with women and so while several men have contacted me about hooking up I am still in contact with several men on a platonic basis.

So tonight when I got online I immediately caught shit from my buddy who we will call “Unsatisfied”. He is an army guy. Oh yeah I have this new thing for military/ex military guys. I’ll write about it in another blog but for now “Unsatisfied” was bustin’ on me about falling for XXX after he has been coaching me against such things.

So after a bit of a chat lashing, “Unsatisfied” gave me a new set of rules to go by from now on so LISTEN-UP!

1.      No hook-ups with anyone in any of your circles, work or personal.  This needs to be researched a little.  Same area you live or work. Be careful.  Same business as you, also be careful. This is where “Unsatisfied “and I agree that I fucked up with XXX. Even though XXX has mentioned several times that he is “shitting where he eats”, I have more to lose by far than he does and we both know it.

2.      Types of communication allowed.  With more communication comes more opportunity to know someone outside of the bedroom.  Keep it to emails or chats and avoid stuff not related to what the ultimate goal is, unless that info is being shared to avoid getting caught or avoid playing too close to one of your circles. Number 1. No one in any of your circles, work or personal. This needs to be researched a little. Same area you live or work, be careful. Same business as you, also be careful

Again, I trust “Unsatisfied” with this one. I fucked up with XXX on this one too. Our general rule is no texts, calls etc. I ALWAYS break it. The temptation is too great and I have to stop.

 G and I do not have a problem at all. We exchanged cell numbers for our meeting but deleted them once we parted. I couldn’t contact him if I tried. For whatever reason the temptation is not there for me when it comes to trying to contact G.

3.      Always have a dedicated email account to use for this game. This much I have done.

4.      If you feel yourself getting too close, walk away. Don't hang around to see if you can reverse the feelings, just walk away.  And tell them up front if things end abruptly that is why.

This is a hard one for me. “Unsatisfied” suggested a string of one night stands to get this nonsense out of my system but we both agree that I may not be cut out for this “world”. I can’t walk away from G or from XXX at this point.

5.      Condoms are NOT an option. They MUST be used. I asked “Unsatisfied”, “So I am with a guy who can't cum because he is wearing a condom and I walk away?”  That’s right, I’m a hard ass now!

So with my new set of rules I am going out into the harsh world and try to apply them. My buddy Top Gun has generously offered up his services to be my “tester” model.

Top Gun and I have been emailing back and forth. He is a planner just like me. Right now we are in heavy negotiations over the condom issue. In reality Top Gun is being a real sport about this whole thing and as much as I’d love to throw him a bone “Unsatisfied” has talked me up so now I am feeling like a real hard ass.

As we ended our chat, “Unsatisfied” added, “If we hadn't chatted so much to where I feel like we are trying to accomplish something (fixing you) I would have disappeared a long time ago.”

I am thinking more and more that there is NO fixing me.

“It’s Not Time Yet”

I have to be honest when I tell you that I was more than excited when I received the text this morning from XXX. We have a strict “No texting, no calling, no emailing” policy which I break on a daily basis and he does not.

I was in a meeting and I just happened to check my texts on my way out to the ladies room. I was thrilled that the text basically recommended ditching work for the afternoon and meeting for sex instead. I’m all over that!

It’s times like this when fucking your boss sure comes in handy. Oh wait, I really need to re-phrase that. He doesn’t want me to think of him as my boss so let’s say that it’s times like this when fucking a guy that can dictate your schedule and has the power to fire you really comes in handy.

XXX’s texts seemed a little urgent. I loved it. I was hoping that something I had done in the morning had brought this on but sadly it was more of a tension reliever. No problem. I am always happy to help out a friend.

Now this next part is going to shock you I know but I am falling for XXX in a bad, bad way. I KNOW! I KNOW!!! You all warned me and I hate myself right now for breaking ALL the rules. EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!

Kat, if you are reading this, you don’t need to say “I told you so” because I knew from my first fantasy blog about XXX that this was going to mean heartbreak.

It has become our ritual to fuck now talk later. Basically I enter XXX’s place. He smiles at me and his gorgeous blue eyes sparkle and make my knees buckle. Then he kisses me which always makes me wet and makes my nipples tingle. Then he says something sweet and we go upstairs to his bedroom at which time we get undressed and begin our sexytime. The past few times we have fucked but for personal reasons today I wanted to make love to XXX. See, that’s when I knew I was in trouble. We chatted just a little bit about something in his personal life that was hurting him and even though he didn’t come right out and say it I knew that I was there more as a surrogate than as myself.

XXX and I discussed it and he thanked me for coming. I told him that I was happy to do it. “We’re friends, right?” I asked him. He looked me in the eyes and nodded.

“Well, I am here to comfort you as your friend. And happy to do it.” Boy was that an understatement. In all honesty I was dreading not having any contact at all until Monday which is just another indication that I have fallen way too deep for this guy.

I vowed to myself and to him that I would stop texting, calling etc and I promised myself in particular that I would play it cool from this point forward.

So after we made love fucked we lay in bed talking like we usually do. We agreed that our previous friendship added a strange dynamic to this affair and I stressed again that I want him to be completely honest with me. I told him that when it is over I want him to tell me that it is over and not to prolong it in order to spare my feelings. I know he would do that and he admits that he would.

 He talks about hurting my feelings a lot and I put on a brave face. He began to apologize and each time I told him to stop. I told him I know what I am involved in and I know the risks. I know that I can get hurt and I told him that I am prepared. He talked about “when it is time to end this”. We were spooning at that point and I was behind him. When he said those words I began to tear up. I said to him “Is it time?” I held my breath and waited for his answer. He said “No, not at all” in a completely sincere tone of voice. I shed a tear, and sighed a breath of relief.

“It’s not time yet” I told myself. It’s not time yet.

Rules of Engagement

I always seem to get myself into the same situations with men. I am not sure exactly how and where I go wrong but it is always the same. I thought this AM thing would give me the opportunity to toughen up a little bit since I can be awfully sensitive.

The concept of AM is mind boggling to me. First of all I am a “rules” person. I need boundaries and AM is all about jumping over that line…the line of fidelity that is.

So as I fall deeper and deeper into the black hole I am realizing that there are in fact rules to this AM thing. Here is what I came up with so far.

1.       Husbands/wives and children come first. Pretty much everybody I have chatted with agrees that we are not going to interfere with each other’s families. I certainly am not looking for drama of any kind so this is one rule I can live by.

2.       You are not to fall in love! Now this is an interesting one for me. Love is one of my weaknesses. My instinct is to love and want to be loved back but let’s face it this is an impossibility which leads to rule #3.

3.       Don’t ask, don’t tell. Sure I am dying to know if these guys are chatting and/or fucking other women but what’s the point of asking. If they say “no” they are probably lying and if they say “yes” my feelings will be hurt. In the same vein, I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings but don’t see the being exclusive thing working either because then the “love” issue occurs and I just do not want to fall in love with someone who will not love me.

It’s funny actually. I read a few chats that I got involved in. They all started out very friendly. I used expressions like “no strings” and “You owe me nothing” and I meant them. So why after a few chats or one afternoon of fucking does that change? It doesn’t and it can’t.

4.       Don’t expect anything from the guy/gal you fuck once it finally happens. You can’t expect gifts for sure! A few guys told me that women expect them to take them shopping. I know I might be missing something here but what the fuck?! I can BUY shit. It’s the weight of a man on top of me that I am looking for.

5.       Don’t go out of your way for the other person. If you do you will regret it. Believe me men are asking me to meet them in all sorts of different places and while I am tempted to make that trip an hour away in the end what’s the point. I was feeling guilty about having these guys come down here if they want to meet but ultimately if I am going to get dumped I will feel less humiliated if I get to choose the location and besides like Marcus said I make it worth their while.

6.       Don’t expect the guy/gal to contact you once you fuck. Kittycat learned that the hard way. It’s a good lesson to learn. It’s sort of like high school when your boyfriend pursues you and begs you to put out and then when you finally do he dumps you. The beauty of AM is that there’s always another loser there to break your heart if you let them.

So, ladies and gentlemen, it’s a tough world out there especially on Ashley Madison so please be safe.