A Clean Bill of Health

I noticed something interesting today. Actually it’s kind of shitty. See, I have been feeling really good lately…I mean emotionally.

Oh, yeah there was an incident at the gym this morning. My friend challenged me to a race in class and while I was running I lost my balance and fell. I skinned my elbow which hurts like hell and bruised my ego but other than that I am fine. My friend felt incredibly guilty so I told her that I am telling everyone she pushed me and if she buys me a coffee with extra whipped cream on it we can call it even. She agreed.

Okay, so back to my emotional health. I was really struggling there for a little bit. The headshrinker attributed my sadness to the voids in my life. She attributed my sadness to the void from the loss of my father, the void that my husband has left me by emotionally leaving our marriage, and the void that was created when my son left for college. Up until that point I was proud of the way I had handled my son leaving for school but I suppose the combination of everything together just left me well…VOID.

I had been dreading the holidays specifically Thanksgiving then something happened. Well, among other things like removing my profile from Ashley Madison, not communicating with men other than platonically…sort of, getting back to the gym, watching my diet and starting a vitamin regimen…well…Kitty met a friend. Kitty met Biker Dude.

Oh, I have mentioned Biker Dude before as “Jr.” and/or “The Voice of Reason”. Anyway, for those of you who haven’t been reading my blog (SHAME ON YOU!) Biker Dude is a name that I say tongue in cheek. For some reason XXX thinks my new friend is a biker which he is not. But upon closer inspection I have decided that at first glance, second, tenth his rugged looks (without having a conversation with him) one could believe that he is a biker dude. He and I have a little joke about it. So Biker Dude if you are reading this I hope you see that I am joking.

Anyway, I am WAY off track here. Biker Dude and I happened to meet for the first time in person just before my last headshrinker appointment. Needless to say we shared an amazing kiss so it is no wonder I was in a great mood right before my headshrinker appointment. As a result the headshrinker gave me a clean bill of health. Ironic don’t you think?

The thing that is shitty though which is the whole point of this blog is that when I was seeing the headshrinker Angry Guy was on his best behavior…for the most part. He seemed to be going out of his way to be nice on the days he knew I had an appointment.

Yesterday he called me at work assuming that I had a headshrinker appointment and seemed sort of disappointed when I told him that she told me I could wait a few weeks to come back if I wanted to. Now Angry Guy was not disappointed because he wants me to go to the headshrinker. Angry Guy was disappointed because he thinks he has been wasting his time being nice to me the past few days thinking I will report back to her.

I realized that this morning when he was acting like an incredible ASSHOLE! Pretty shitty don’t you think?

Secret Lovers

One of my last AM encounters before I called it quits was with “Italian Stallion”. He asked me not to write about our encounter. I did write about it but out of respect for his wishes I never posted. One thing I have to say about him besides the fact that the sex was amazing is that he is truly genuine and maintains that he wants to carry on a long term affair. At the time this was something I was looking for. I just don’t think he is the right fit for me not to mention the fact that I am backing away from “The Life”. I hadn’t heard from him but saw him online and chose not to initiate a chat. Finally the other night he must have seen me online or just took a chance and tried to start a chat. I ignored it but then felt guilty. Isn’t that exactly what all the lovers I have had before him have done to me?

So I decided to email him just to let him know that I am not a complete bitch:

Hi Stallion,

I am sorry for not keeping in touch. I am going through some tough times. Not keeping in touch with anybody. I don't want to hurt your feelings. You are a sweetheart.

Kitty

Stallion: thanks for getting back to me. Please call me sometime Sunday. I'm working all day so I'll be able to talk. Look I'm your friend. Let me help you through these times. ok? [personal cell] just txt me first baby.

Kitty: It's not about that Stallion. It's about what's going on in my head and in my heart. I am not meeting anybody else. I have removed all my profiles permanently. I won't go back to that. You were great and I  got lucky. My safety is always at risk with anybody I meet and I didn't feel unsafe with you. At any rate it doesn't matter because I need to give up all the rest of it now at least until I get my head straight.

Stallion: Well I am sorry about that. I just hope you trust me and would continue to be my secret lover. I do want to talk to you.

Kitty: I am out of town. I will text you when I get home if I can talk but there is really nothing you can do. This is my shit to deal with but I appreciate you trying to be a friend.

Stallion: Ok, let me ask you this, how about I try to take care of your sexual needs so you won't have to keep trolling on the net? Let's meet whenever we can. Ok kitty?

Kitty: I need some time Stallion. It is not your fault and I am sorry. I really am.

Stallion Ok baby. Whenever you get the chance to txt me please do. I want to talk to you real soon. I just want you to know that what we had was not a 1 time thing and that I care for you as a lover and friend. Anyway, you do suck great cock. Now cheer up.

There was a time when these emails would have been a real turn on to me…especially the “You do suck great cock” comment. I mean what girl doesn’t want to hear that?

Today I am choosing to walk away.

My headshrinker would be SO proud right now.

Doctor's Orders

One of my headshrinker’s instructions this week was to have sex with Angry Guy no matter what I believe his intentions are. I had mentioned that he will fuck me every couple of weeks seemingly out of obligation.

So this morning at approximately 4:30 a.m. when I heard him rustling about in the bathroom I prepared myself. Maybe it was the fact that he was brushing his teeth that clued me in so I decided to take the headshrinker’s advice.

Angry guy slipped into the warm bed behind me. I was still half asleep and naked but warm in my Egyptian cotton cocoon. He began to run his hand gently down my back and down the side of my naked leg. He gently pushed my hair out of the way and began kissing my neck then my shoulders.

When he felt that I was responding and beginning to awake he gently slipped his hand between my legs and slowly rubbed my clit. This is an all too familiar yet welcome picture.

I rolled over to face him and he began kissing my mouth working his tongue in and out of my mouth then kissed my neck briefly.

I reached down between his legs and realized that he wasn’t hard. I picked myself up still in a daze and focused on putting is dick in my mouth. I could feel him getting hard as I caressed the head of his penis with my tongue gently sucking ever so slightly at first then moving him in and out of my mouth making sure to catch the back of my throat with his head whenever I could.

Within a few minutes  he gave me a little nudge to let me know to stop. I pulled my head off with one last strong suck then climbed on top of his now completely erect cock. He held my hips and moved my body back and forth to the rhythm he wanted stopping only to grab me to pull me into a kiss or to suck my nipples.

It wasn’t long before he gave me another nudge which meant that it was time to switch positions. I rolled onto my back. He took my legs and positioned them over his shoulders rubbing my clit just a little bit before I took his dick in my hands, rubbed the head against me just before pulling it inside of me. He thrusted deeply only a few times before he groaned “Oh my God” and came.

I never know whether that is a comliment or not. On the one hand I see it as a sign that he is so into it that he can’t control himself. On the other hand he can’t control himself. This isn’t a concern for me because he always makes sure that I cum after him so once he is done it is my turn.

He lay on top of me breathless for just a moment before he began kissing my stomach down to my pussy where he once again found my clit and moved his tongue in and out of each fold methodically while he moved his fingers in and out rhythmically.

I could hear myself moaning but felt nothing but the shear pleasure below my waist. His tongue moved quicker and quicker as my moans became louder. My body began to quiver and with one last deep thrust of his tongue inside of me and I too moaned one last “Oh my God” before the alarm went off to wake me up for the gym.

Back in the Fold

This morning I woke up to a heart outlined in candy bars with a note from my son that said “I love you Mommy. I want you to feel better <3 [kid’s name]”

My kids are all well aware of my sadness. They also know that I have decided to go against everything I believe in by going to a headshrinker to heal myself. I talk to my kids about just about everything. I feel like it’s important to talk to them about this. They are scared. They are afraid that their mother has lost her mind. They are afraid that their parents will get divorced.

Angry guy and I talked about it last night and agreed that divorce is not the way to go. Angry guy by the way is not all that supportive of my going to the headshrinker but he was relieved when I told him that 1. He doesn’t have to go with me and 2. She asked if I wanted to end my marriage or save it and my answer without any hesitation is to save it.

So this morning just like every other Tuesday morning I woke up from an already restless night. Oh, did I mention that I have insomnia? I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in months. I was doing a little better when XXX and I were together but now I am back to waking up at 1 a.m. then every hour on the hour after that. My point is that it is no sweat for me to wake up at 5 for the gym. This morning I got to the gym and one of my new buddies walked in with me. He is older and retired and constantly complaining about waking up at that hour to exercise.

Now my gym is really difficult to describe. It is not one of those intimidating gyms that are like meat markets, especially at that time in the morning and in the town that I live in. Everybody for the most part knows everybody else. I am one of the few people who did not grow up here so I am recognized by site. In other words people don’t necessarily know my name but they see me every morning so they recognize that I belong and am not just a summer person.

I also get a certain amount of recognition and “gym respect” because the Tuesday/Thursday class used to be taught by that hot young trainer and it was freakin’ HARD! Being one of the regulars in that class scores me some gym points among the regulars.

There is this one couple that I generally can’t stand. They are loud and garish and for the most part act like I don’t exist. You just KNOW that Kitty loves that!

Well, I can’t explain when or why but things have started to change with them. The loud mouth couple is starting to warm up to Kitty. Kitty grew on them like a fungus I think.

When I walked in this morning there was some discussion as to what time class was actually starting. There is a super secret time that the hardcore classes start and Kitty is usually in on it because one of the trainers is my buddy.

So we are waiting and waiting and one by one people started leaving to go into the equipment room until class began. This particular group of people is motivated and they don’t like to waste valuable gym time standing around.

A few minutes later I headed toward the equipment room. This was the first time in a while that nearly all the treadmills were occupied. I spied a few open treadmills but the thing that really made my day was that nearly all the other occupants either smiled or said “hi” to me not to mention a few people on the Stairmaster. There is nothing that brightens Kitty’s morning more than a friendly group of people.

In addition to that the loudmouth woman from the couple said something to me about dropping a suggestion in the suggestion box about class times being earlier. I have to say that this was the first sign of recognition from her EVER. After just a few minutes on the treadmill we all filtered back into the class room for our class. I looked around at all the friendly faces. I looked around and realized I am back in the fold.

Head Shrinkers

Today Kitty had her first appointment with a head shrinker. FYI you should all see the mess that I have become. There was a time when I was a confident, well adjusted, professional woman and mother. I am not going to bore you with all the details with why or how I became the mess that I am today.
I have to say that in the past I have been adamant against counseling and even Angry Guy was suspicious today when I told him I was going. That’s his insecurity shining through by the way. The headshrinker warned me about this.
So the headshrinker told me some things about myself. Some of these things I knew already and some I just needed a little confirmation on but basically she is going to help me overcome the shit that has built up in my head over the years. Some of it is my responsibility and some of it can be attributed to the others around me but I feel better just knowing that I am not a completely horrible person or insane.
Are you wondering what kind of things she said? Well first of all she said that I get off on the adrenaline from these affairs that I am having but that each and every one of them ends in rejection which is not good for me. I completely agree with that. She did ask if I felt ready to give up my Ashley Madison profile and seemed pleasantly surprised when I told her that I already had. She was also pleased when I told her that I pretty much have been rejected by the last of my Ashley Madison men so I save myself the anguish of cutting off ties with anybody.
The thing about the headshrinker that really made me feel okay was that for one thing she didn’t push the issue of bringing the Angry Guy in for couple’s therapy. Second she didn’t say anything about me coming clean with him about my affairs or my blog or anything for that matter. And three she all but told me that his attitude toward me and toward sex is fucked up and NO WONDER I look for attention outside of our marriage.
Now don’t get me wrong. I understand that she was not condoning my bad behavior. She was merely acknowledging that certain things occurred in my life to explain why I would do these things and now Kitty has to get healthy again and stop. Yes, Kitty has to stop fucking other men specifically other women’s husbands.
Oh, that was another thing that the headshrinker confirmed that all these men, every last one of them lied to me in one way or another. She said none of them cared for me and none of them will ever care for me. Somehow that makes it a little easier for me to move on and realize that no matter what these men told me they are NEVER going to call, text or email ever again.
So now that the kitty is out of the bag so to speak I am looking forward to my next session. I promised the headshrinker that I would behave until then and I think I will. I WILL! I WILL! I KNOW I WILL!!!