Playing The Game

It's that time of year when Kitty gets pretty slow at work and that means Kitty goes looking for trouble. The past few weeks have been interesting to say the least. One thing that Kitty found interesting was Mother's Day. Even though Kitty does not consider myself high maintenance when it comes to such Hallmark Holidays it always fascinates me which of my lovers I hear from and which I do not. Kitty tries not to take things so personally but when I took a closer look at who I didn't hear from as opposed to who I did hear from well...it was telling to say the least. Some surprise texts/emails came from "The Salesman", "Bad Boy", "Down and Out", "Tom Hagen", and "Angry Guy".

Kitty will keep the list of who I did NOT hear from to myself but I am always curious as to what that means exactly. One person who I was surprised not to hear from is someone new. His name is "Esquire 2"/E2. E2 is an enigma to Kitty and actually any advice my readers have to offer would be appreciated.

E2 is single...well...separated. He's kind of cute and terribly funny which is a huge turn on for Kitty. E2 is also extremely perceptive which is also a big turn on. We had actually met several years ago when we were both married. More recently E2 began to socialize with one of Kitty's vanilla besties. Kitty uses the word "socialize" because my bestie insists they were not dating although by Kitty's standards they were dating with one exception...they did not fuck. The irony is that my bestie described E2 as a "pothead" and a "sex fiend". I think you all know where this is going...

So months ago Kitty made it my mission to meet E2 and hopefully hook-up. Fate stepped in and I needed his professional advice so I happily made an appointment with him dropping my bestie's name and damned if he didn't pick up the phone and call Kitty himself as opposed to having his secretary do it.

At our meeting I forget exactly what Kitty said but I made a joke about my phone having some unsavory things on it. After our meeting E2 took my number and we agreed to go out with my bestie for happy hour. No sooner did Kitty get home I received a text from E2, "wondering what's on that phone of yours".

E2 and Kitty have been talking and texting ever since. E2 is quite busy as you all can imagine and we talk about getting together for drinks...or fucking quite often but in the end...we don't.

This week E2 didn't text Kitty for two full day's. That's out of the norm for him but all of Kitty's sources say the same thing, "let him make the first move."

The fact that he went for as long as he did kind of hurt Kitty's feelings. Kitty was kind of getting a little wet for this guy and then...nothing.

This morning I woke up at 5 like most mornings. There was a text from him from last night saying, "behaving?"

Kitty: If I say no will you spank me?

E2: No problem

Kitty: What if you are naughty WITH me?

E2: U tell me

Kitty: I'd tease you

Kitty then went on to describe the lap dance I would do for E2 while his hands were tied. I'm not certain but I believe I got E2 fairly worked up. In the end Kitty had to head into the gym and told E2 to have a great day. So Kitty is trying to "play the game". I'm trying to let E2 hunt for me because all of Kitty's advisors say that men like the hunt. That's kind of difficult for Kitty. Kitty is impatient to say the least. But Kitty likes this guy and not just as a fuck buddy. Kitty can see myself with him. So Kitty needs to play this game with E2 in order to let him think he is hunting when in fact Kitty is really the hunter. So what do you all think? How can Kitty catch this one?

Compliments

Kitty had every intention of baking cranberry bread last night. The kids were going to dinner with Angry Guy. Kitty has been doing well on my “diet” and even planned a healthy dinner for myself before the baking was to commence.

I received an email from him on AM. Just a “how ya doin’ ?” type of email which I thought was kind of funny in light of the fact that he can and sometimes does text me directly at no charge.

I texted him back and asked if he was working or if he had his kids. He said “neither” so I invited him for a drink. We’ve met before…just once for dinner over the summer. We’ve kept in touch. We’ve become friends.

We texted for a bit…playful texts. He said something about lifting my skirt and taking a picture for him so I texted him a nipple shot quickly. He was driving and I will admit there is a naughty side of me that enjoys distracting men while they are driving. He’s calmer though, not easily distracted. He said the picture made him hard.

He was right. By 6:00 that evening Kitty had her hands all over his rock hard cock and it felt nice. Initially he planned to tease me with his cock. Yes, he occasionally reads this blog and knows that’s kitty’s kryptonite. It didn’t take much coaxing before his rock hard cock was thrusting into Kitty’s warm, wet pussy first in missionary then he felt oh so nice fucking Kitty from behind as he stood at the edge of the bed. As he fucked me he said things like, “I love this ass” as he gave it a smack. Knowing how much Kitty enjoys riding a hard cock he gave me the opportunity to do that. At one point he looked into Kitty’s eyes and said, “You are a good looking woman.”

After we were both satisfied we lay in bed chatting. He reminded Kitty that the last time we texted I had fallen for someone. I let my guard down and got cut off at the knees. I liked that he cared enough to ask and was happy to report that particular person was out of my life but the sting of the Cowboy’s disinterest still cut like a knife.

I asked him what he thought about the situation but as we fucked and as he complimented my body, my looks, how much he enjoyed my mouth and my pussy I couldn’t help but feel as though things were going to work out for the best. Everything happens for a reason. I tell my kids that all the time and yes, I believe it.

Someday there may be a man that will appreciate Kitty in my vanilla life. The possibility does exist.

In the end Kitty had to leave. One of the last things he said to me was, “with all the exercise we just got and missing dinner tonight Kitty will be at fighting weight in no time.”

Funny…Kitty was thinking the same thing.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Last week was a SUCKY week…except for meeting Hammer of course. Sorry Baby ;)

Several people I know died which of course sucked. The area where I live is starting to flood with tourists for the summer so all of the restaurants and roads are unbearably crowded.

Another thing that got me down is that one of my very best friends had a fight with her boyfriend. They broke up. They have been together almost as long as Angry Guy and I. Her boyfriend has “commitment issues” so they weren’t planning to get married. After all of this time we never really discuss it. They were as good as married except when things got bad last week she got up and left. She just got tired of his shit and walked out the door.

Part of me was really proud of her. Another part of me was sad for her. She had the freedom to pick up and leave. It was only a matter of getting her belongings out of the house. On the other hand it was just so easy for her to leave. It was JUST a matter of getting her belongings out of the house.

I knew they would work things out but it still made me sad. She was sad and as you all know, I LOVE my friends. Their pain is MY pain.

I’m not sure why I feel my friend’s pain from all of this. I am sure it has something to do with my situation and knowing that there are so many people out there including myself that make bad choices and betray their spouses in so many ways.

Maybe it DOES have something to do with the fact that this guy won’t marry her and although I know that marriage isn’t necessarily the best option, to those who have never BEEN married…well…it might be something on her bucket list.

And so yesterday when I met my friend for lunch I was happy to hear that her boyfriend had done the right thing and called her to apologize for his atrocious behavior and believe me it WAS atrocious. They will work things out. I knew they would. I am glad they will. I just hope he realizes how truly wonderful she is and gives her whatever it is that she needs for the rest of their lives.

Friends

XXX and I are at sort of a weird point with our friendship. We are friends by his definition. I consider us friends as well…”work friends”. Do you all have different types of friends? XXX mention a while back that we should go to dinner or for drinks. That is impossibility for me. I invited him for lunch the other day via text. He misunderstood and thought my text was code. We finally caught up in person today and hashed it out. XXX and I communicate much better in person…and in bed. When he told me he thought my text was code I told him “I’m pretty easy to understand. When I ask you to lunch it means ‘do you want to go to lunch?’ If I want to suck your dick I will let you know straight out.” Man did XXX turn beet red when I said that but by this point I am so frustrated with his mood swings. I have to say that I have changed in that way from when we were first having our affair. For whatever reason his weird relationship with his wife transfers over into our relationship only there is a role reversal. XXX is his wife in our relationship and I become him. He is always saying now that he doesn’t ever know whether he is “in or out” with her. I pointed out to him the other day that I can’t tell anymore whether I am “in or out” with him. I do love that about XXX…not that I can’t tell whether I am “in or out” but I can discuss it with him. Oh, I know that I am always in. I have to be a patient and loyal friend to him and I am.

So back to the definition of “Friend”. Webster’s defines friend as:

1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance

2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group

3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)

4: a favored companion

In light of the confusion with XXX I realized that he and I may never be the kind of friends that socialize outside of work. Hence, we are “Work Friends”. My real life friends and I go out to lunch, to each other’s houses, shopping. We socialize outside of work. Then I have my gym friends who I just meet at the gym for class or we chat while we are on the treadmills.

Then of course I have my online friends. Some on Facebook and some from Ashley Madison. These are the friends that I may never meet in person but we email several times a week which has its merits.

I also have a select number of male friends that I have fucked once and although we will never meet in person again we keep in touch via chat or email.

The other night I had a quick but sweet chat online with “Unsatisfied”. I see him online often but generally do not initiate a chat. He and I agreed to meet once back in September and not meet again. We have chatted here and there since our meeting just to say “hi” and “Happy Holidays”. I felt compelled to initiate a chat with “Unsatisfied” last night in light of the misunderstanding with XXX. I told “Unsatisfied” that our arrangement was one of the best experiences that I have had. He and I made an agreement and stuck to it. Neither of us has violated the other’s trust or the boundaries of our agreement. We never discuss meeting again which is fine by both of us. I told him last night that the encounters that I have had that have gone sour are with men who have insisted that they wanted more than just one encounter. They each claimed they wanted something ongoing and then of course did not follow through. That disappointed Kitty especially since things were going so well until I met this particular group of men. So, even though “Unsatisfied” and I were a “One and Done” we are friends by definition.

After my discussion with XXX today I am fine with just being “Work Friends”.

Women are ASSHOLES!

Kitty has come to the conclusion that A LOT of women are assholes. Not all women…just a lot that I happen to be hearing about lately.

I’ve been hearing stories about XXX’s wife for years. T-Bone tells me stories about his wife and it’s a miracle he hasn’t hit her in my opinion. She sounds fucking mean as a snake.  Another friend of mine just told me that when he travels for work, there is “hell to pay” when he gets back. WTF?!?! This guy is traveling for work which I am thinking provides a pretty nice lifestyle for his wife. His kids are older so what the FUCK is her problem?!?!?! These women practically FORCE their husbands into Kitty’s arms!

This morning my kids were off to Sunday school. I was trying in the worst way to get out of going to the gym without feeling guilty. XXX couldn’t meet me for breakfast and of course my blonde trainer friend was full of empty promises telling me to text her in the morning to workout. I wasn’t at all surprised when I did and she said she was going out to buy rock climbing shoes. I am rolling my eyes as I type this because there are not FUCKING rocks to climb where we live!!! What an ASSHOLE!!

Okay so no problem, she blew me off so in my head I made my own workout plan. Then I get a text from her saying she needs my help with a playlist, Facebook and a menu for a party that she wants to have. So I text her back, "how about coming over now and we can work on it?" To which her reply was “gotta shower and leave town. Want to get there and back. Come with!”

What the fuck is wrong with her?!?!?! She asks me for help then can’t make fucking time for it?!?!?! Now keep in mind this is an ongoing thing with her and it drives me bananas. This chick is a TROPHY WIFE!!! She has one fucking kid!!! She can go shopping any other fucking day of the week.

And how thoughtless is she that she thinks I will just pick up and leave my kids to drive with her so that SHE can shop?!?!? WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!

I considered texting her or calling her just to alert her how selfish and assholeish she was being and then I realized WHAT’s the POINT?

I received an email from a male reader the other day who asked if I have any female friends. I told him yes and could not explain why they are just not enough for me. Well…Hammer…if you are reading this…this is why I surround myself with men. Because WOMEN ARE ASSHOLES.

Kitty's Good Deed

It may be hard for some of you to believe but beneath this cold and heartless woman who thinks nothing of fucking other men while my husband works his heart out for his family and the woman that he believes is loving and faithful is really a warm and giving friend.

Back in the fall when Kitty was going through my little “depression” for lack of a better word I agreed to help a friend of mine by walking her dog every day after work. At the time I was only working a half day and trying to stay out of trouble. I was also looking for ideas for starting my own business and since I am a huge dog lover some friends and I thought dog walking might be a good start. I know…what the hell was I thinking?!!?!?

Well, it didn’t take me long to realize that this dog walking gig was a terrible inconvenience. First of all Big Cheese and XXX both decided they wanted me to work more hours which meant that I had to come home, walk the dog then drive back to work which not only involved a good amount of driving but tolls as well.

I didn’t have the heart to let my friend down by quitting on her. She assured me that her regular sitter would be back at “the end of March”. So does that mean March 16^th or March 31^st????

Well, it is looking like it is March 31^st with no end in sight. I will be letting her know that March 31^st is it for me and I have let her know that my other employers have offered me more hours in April so I hope she is prepared.

The real issue with this whole thing is that it completely interferes with play dates. Originally that was a good thing. Over the past few months with the few play dates that I have had I have managed but SERIOUSLY…

I began using the time to talk to T-Bone on the phone. We had some nice long chats while I walked the dog but when we tried to plan a play date and I explained that I’d have to walk the dog before meeting him, T-Bone said “I’m about to get a gun and put a bullet through that dog’s head”. T-Bone was joking of course.

As I have told people these past few months when they tell me I am crazy, “I tried to do something nice for a friend. I made a commitment. I wanted to fulfill my commitment. I have learned my lesson.”

SURPRISE!!!

Kitty got invited to a surprise party this weekend. It was sort of a last minute invitation for Construction Guy’s wife. I was happy for any excuse to get out and I knew that the party would be fun. Basically the guest list was comprised of my favorite people in the world. So Kitty threw on an outfit that I hoped hid my fatness, grabbed a bottle of wine and headed out to “The Big City” to meet Construction Guy, his family and closest friends including local politicians, and basically the royalty of our little home town.

There was a point where I was separated from the group I walked in with and had joined another group. I knew almost every other guest in some capacity and felt comfortable moving from one person to the next to socialize. Occasionally one of my friends would come up to me and we would engage in a deeper conversation. In the meantime Angry Guy was texting me from home and my skinny blonde trainer friend was texting me because some of her “students” were at the party. Between you and me they were not thrilled with her but in the interest of preserving her already frail self esteem I left that part out. The men of course were telling me that the ONLY reason they were going to her class was to adore her from afar. That just goes to show you how drastic different men’s tastes in women can be. Any man who is attracted to her is pretty much turned off by me as her polar opposite.

So one of my friends who I haven’t seen in ages began a conversation with me about the men in our lives. She is a single woman, never married approaching 50. She is smart and beautiful and funny. I have always been curious as to what her “situation” was and she told me about the man she is involved with right now. Sadly he reminded me somewhat of XXX except his wife died. To make a long story short my friend was telling me that this man had built up an emotional wall and she just wasn’t sure she could ever break through it. That made Kitty sad because like I said, my friend is deserving of a wonderful man. As we ended our conversation she told me that I inspired her to Have a “talk” with him to which my reply was “uh oh”. Just what Kitty needs…another man to hate me.

On the other side of me sat Construction Guy’s daughter who is possibly the only person other than my blonde trainer friend who knows about Kitty’s indiscretions. Construction Guy’s daughter has a few indiscretions of her own but since she is much younger than me she is still able to write them off as a young woman’s “live and learn” lessons.

The joke of the evening became “Kitty the Cougar”. There are several young men that work for Construction Guy that I often joke about….well…FUCKING. After a few moments of course I have to add that in reality I have “Daddy issues” so while I may joke about a hot young 20 something boy in actuality I will walk past him and fuck his father instead. One of my girlfriend’s boyfriends looked at me in disbelief when I said that in the car ride home. I haven’t figured out whether he couldn’t believe the “Daddy issue” comment, the fact that I don’t REALLY prefer the young boys or the fact that I just said it point blank with him in the car.

So, Construction Guy’s daughter sat with me at the bar pointing out all the hot men young and …older. There was one 50 something man that she pointed out to me as being hot by her standards then said “he’s married”. As she said it she looked at me, remembered who she was talking to and chuckled. She then pulled her handsome southern cousin over to meet me. I jokingly said “talk” so I could hear his accent. He was very cute and indulged me. At one point he said something completely off topic. My friend said to him “really?” and he said “No, I was just talking so Kitty could hear my voice.” That made Kitty laugh and nothing makes Kitty wet like a man who makes me laugh.

So even though Kitty didn’t “Score” per se I really did have a great time with the men and women at the party who comprise my almost everyday life. I couldn’t have had more fun if it were my own party.

Kitty's AWARD

KITTY WON AN AWARD!!!! I know….RIGHT?!?!?!

My Blog friend Ryan nominated me for

a Liebster award.

 Let me tell you a little about it..... Or better yet, let me cut and paste
 what Ryan cut and paste from Gertie and then I don't have to think of what to say (see below,

"Liebster Blog Award. According to our dear friend Lainey over at Lainey's

Life Lessons <http://laineyslifelessons.blogspot.com/> it is really an

award bloggers give to one another to increase readership. To be eligible
 one must have less than 200 public followers, I definitely qualify. In the
 beginning I wanted to keep my readers down because of anonymity but to hell
 with it, I am Gertie!!, beware of my hammer! I am obligated after receiving
 this award to give it to 5 oops I mean 6 other bloggers who meet the
 parameters of blog I follow with intriguing posts & less than 200
 followers. (I chose 6 because Lainey only chose 2 and I am sure she won't
 mind me swiping her extra pick, I had hard choices to make) I must also
 shamelessly plug the person who gave the award to me. Have I mentioned how

awesome I think Lainey <http://laineyslifelessons.blogspot.com/> is?

So along with this award Kitty has to follow RULES. I know…RIGHT?!?!?!

 Rule #1 Link back to the person who gave you this award.

 Check out Ryan over at “The AshleyMadison Adventures of a Regular Guy Gone Bad-his blog is an eclectic collection of posts about his extracurricular sexcapades as well as political insights with a dash of humor from a man’s perspective. In all honesty Ryan is an intellectual and Kitty is not but Kitty adores Ryan and wants to give him the plug ;)

 Rule#2 Choose deserving bloggers and alert them to their award winning
 status. This I think is the most fun part of the blog award because I am positive
 that most of these bloggers don't know how inspirational they are to me!


And the winners in no particular order are........."

1. Prowling with Kat <http://shackledkat.blogspot.com/>: Now I never got a clear answer on whether or not I could duplicate and since Ryan and I have different readers I am duplicating Ryan’s nomination because Kat’s blog has had such a strong influence over my writing as well as my outlook on extra marital affairs in general. Kat’s blog includes stories about her personal Ashley Madison experiences as well as advice and information about anal sex for instance, how to react when a lovers’ wife calls you…you know…practical things.

2. Same Sassy Girl:<http://samesassygirl.blogspot.com/?zx=bd74c110a847cca8>

Sorry, but this is another duplication from Ryan’s nominations that bears repeating. As Ryan put it best when he said “There are so many unique blogs out there and unique ways of expressing
 one's message. Sassy Girl tells the story of her relationship with her
 Philip through their texts and e-mails. There is a quote from Star Trek
 where Spock says "having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as
 wanting...." Well, Sassy does have some good posts about "having" as well.
 But my point is that the lead up, the seduction, the planning, the
 wanting, and the mundane little details of that daily connection are what
 keep me coming back to this blog! Well, I do like a girl with some sass as
 well! :)”

3. That’s What Sadie Said- This is Sadie’s second blog the first being of course “Sadie’s Sexy Stories ofSeduction” which outlined the ups and downs of her open marriage. That’s What Sadie Said is part two of Sadie’s ever exciting life encompassing everything from feelings about being a single mother to being harassed by judgmental readers (not me of course. I ADORE Sadie)

4. Hands In My Pants AndOther Lustful Desires-Okay if you click on the link you will know EXACTLY why Kitty likes this blog. It is filled with lots and lots of great dick pictures and Kitty LOVES dick pictures. Hands In My Pants is light and funny and always makes Kitty smile.

5 J.J. Loves Kat- I’m not sure if Kat will nominate this one or if it is a conflict of interest so I am nominating it. J.J. is the lover that all of us ladies secretly hope to meet when we answer that Ashley Madison “wink”. I would love to have one of my lovers be half as thoughtful as J.J. not to mention to write a blog about me. J.J.’s posts are heartfelt and romantic.


 So take a look at these blogs. But there are so many others out there.
 When you are looking at these blogs or mine, see what they are reading (on
 their blogroll). Chances are you'll find some good stuff out there!
Thanks again Ryan for bestowing this honor upon me, Love, Kitty xoxo

Scarlet Letter Kitty

Kitty has all sorts of friends trying to keep me out of trouble lately. It’s like they are on some sort of “Save Kitty’s Soul” campaign. I don’t know what that’s about but I do love my friends for trying at least. They see something in me. They feel like my soul is worth saving. Kitty is a kind person and would not intentionally hurt another living soul. I know I will find my way.

So one of Kitty’s friends is my gym buddy. The other day we went to the gym. Now when Kitty goes to the gym I never worry about how I look. When Kitty is with my friend nobody and I mean NOBODY looks at Kitty because they are too busy looking at my friend who is a very slim blonde with implants. So Blondie and I were at the gym “working out”. She was lifting weights and Kitty was pretending to exercise. I was lying on the floor next to Blondie talking with her. I began doing pelvic thrusts not really paying attention. Blondie was talking to Muscle Man who seems to ADORE Blondie almost as much as he adores himself. Suddenly I realize that Muscle Man was glaring at me as I did my thrusts. This made Kitty a little uncomfortable. We had a quick exchange then Muscle Man left.

Today I was in class. Blondie was teaching the class. I was planking on my mat like a good Kitty. At 6:00 a.m. Kitty doesn’t talk to ANYBODY so I was minding my own business. Suddenly Muscle Man comes into class and sets his mat up right next to me. This is strange only because Kitty was in the front of the room and Muscle Man generally sets up in the back…with his WIFE.

Muscle Man got into his plank and began talking to me. Meanwhile I am thinking “Dude, get away from me. If your wife sees this she is going to gut me like one of the Seven freakin’ fishes on Christmas Eve!” Muscle Man would not quit. He was starting to draw attention to us which is not good. Keep in mind that both of us KNOW everybody in the class. We live in a teeny tiny community so this shit is not cool.

Once class ended Kitty gathered my things and began to walk out. Wouldn’t you know that Muscle Man followed close behind? Where the hell was this guy’s wife?!?!?! I glanced back to make sure that he wasn’t going to step on me from behind when he said “Hey, we should hook-up sometime.”

I had to stop. As soon as I did I knew it was wrong but I said “what?”

He looked at me again and smiled a crooked smile and repeated “We should hook-up…you know…”

Now here is the thing about Muscle Man that intrigues me. Muscle Man is a “hunter” and Kitty LOVES “hunters”. Now when I say “hunter” I mean there are certain men out there that are forceful and let it be known what they want in and out of bed. That is EXACTLY what Kitty needs. That is EXACTLY what Kitty craves.

Kitty loves a man who knows what he wants. I love a man who takes charge and stakes a claim on Kitty. I love a man who makes the plan and says “BE THERE”. Most importantly I love a man who takes charge in bed and tells Kitty what to do. I am in charge all day long everyday so there is nothing nicer than someone else taking the lead.

Sadly, even though Muscle Man is exactly what the doctor ordered he is obviously not what I would consider “discrete”. I am not kidding when I say that his wife would gut me like a fish. She is WAY scary to me.

Well in the meantime Kitty is just going to have to pass on Muscle Man’s very kind offer.

“I Don’t Eat Where I Drink Coffee”

When I started my FIRST blog, the idea was that there would be no boundaries. A friend even helped me write as one of my first posts a blanket apology to anybody that I might offend along the way.

As some of you know, I still maintain my original blog but have added this “Secret Life” blog for total anonymity.

This whole sex/food thing came about months ago. A friend of mine posted a comment on his facebook about having a “Delicious cup of coffee”. I then commented that everything tastes delicious after great sex…and so the coffee reference on my facebook became ever synonymous with sex.

That same friend’s wife just noticed that the background for my original blog is all coffee beans. God I love my friends!!

So FYI coffee=sex…at least on my facebook page. My entire facebook friend list is onboard with this. Some of my other friends also have food that is synonymous with sex. I have heard pancakes. In the fall I posted a photo of a beautiful apple pie that I made. I commented “It’s a little cracked but my pie smells delicious”. Let me tell you that until that point I had never know that certain people use pie and or cookies as a term for a ladies…private area. I am certainly learning a lot from my old high school friends. The problem is they should have been teaching me in high school. I am pushing 50 for Chr*st sake I should be knowledgeable about these things!

Then of course we all know about the Altoid debauchery. If not please refer to my blog “I want to be a Sex Candy Tester”.

Yesterday I met some girlfriends on the beach. We were discussing the whole facebook /blogging thing and I told them that they had to read that sex candy blog then proceeded to go into the Altoid thing. Now my friends, these friends in particular are my very favorite real life friends. Why you ask? The bullshit factor of course. Because when one of them asked what the Altotid thing was, the other said very simply “You suck on an Altoid before you give the guy a blow job”. AWSOME!! Plain and simple…not to mention truthful. We can get so much more done if we would all just speak that succinctly.

The same friend began to tell me that a guy at work told her that if you drink pineapple juice it is supposed to make you taste better…when your partner…um…if your partner should wander down in that area…see…I am much too restrained on this blog. My friend would say “drink pineapple juice. It makes your Cooch taste better.”

I really need that direct talk because I am apparently not that quick. Another friend just told me that you are supposed to finish sucking on the Altoid before performing oral. I assumed the Altoid needed to still be in your mouth which once again was a big freakin’ mess.

One of my friends on facebook once told me “I don’t eat where I drink coffee” meaning he doesn’t bring whipped cream or food into bed for sexual pleasure. After the Altoid incident I agree with him.

Okay, so Pineapple juice for the cooch. Now this morning my wonderful friend with the coffee told me that she makes her husband eat bananas and that makes him taste sweet. Although I am so tempted to try this little experiment with Angry Guy and report back, I doubt he would ever agree to it.

So what is a girl to do? I think the readers of this blog need to try these tips this week and report back via comment. We need to discuss these issues. They are important, they are relevant and more importantly without verification I will never be able to force my husband to eat a banana EVERY SINGLE day.

Summer Homes

I know you are all tired of hearing about my wonderful friends but tough! I happen to have this awesome friend he is a contractor and builds high end homes for the rich and famous in our area. Every now and then he asks me to join him in one of these homes during construction then post construction so he can show off his talents. Believe me; I am well aware of his talents.

I do enjoy meeting him on the jobsites though. I am generally dressed from a day in the office with Big Cheese so I enter the construction site and am quite out of place in my high heels. Generally there are workmen all over the place including carpenters, electricians, plumbers you name it. I am pretty sure my friend likes to torture me with the temptation as well. We always start out with my friend making a general introduction, “This is Kitty. Be nice to her. She pays you.”

I have to admit that I feel like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” when he does this. You know the scene when Richard Gere takes her shopping and tells all the salespeople to kiss her ass and they do. Well that happens here as well. At this point a lot of the guys already recognize me but they are just nice overall.

That combined with the idea of a three story house chock full of strong well built men with rough hands, blue jeans, Timberland boots who drive Ford 150’s makes Kitty a little wet. Do you blame me?!?!

So we are walking through this absolutely gorgeous house the other day and my friend is pointing out all the fine detailed woodwork as well as the tile work and trying to explain to me how the decorator determined all the variables. We walk together room by room and yes this house is absolutely exquisite. We work our way upstairs slowly. There are bedrooms and bathrooms on each floor. There are two laundry rooms and an elevator. The kitchen is on the second floor and overlooks the bay. The house has been decorated with all sorts of built ins and although I am not a kitty who is envious, I admit to my friend that this is by far the most gorgeous house that I have ever seen. He beams with pride having consulted on each and every one of the details that I love.

We finally make our way up to the third floor where there is a laundry room a beautiful children’s room with a bathroom that is nicer than any I have ever seen before. The kid’s bedroom is decorated from top to bottom for the two little boys that will spend their summers there.

I admire the boy’s room when my friend calls me in to see the master suite right next door. He holds my hand and shows me the closets and the master bathroom which is filled with the most beautiful marble and cabinetry. The entire suite overlooks the bay again. The views are spectacular. My friend guides me to French doors that overlook the water. He rests his hand on my shoulders as he has done many times before and so I am not at all disturbed by this.

He hugs me gently and wraps his arm around my shoulder as we both admire his work. He is filled with so much pride. He is truly a wonderful man and a gifted craftsman. As we turn around to walk out of the master suite I notice something. It is disturbing to me initially and now I become irate. My friend asks what the problem is.

“The headboard of the master bed is up against the same wall as the headboards of the boy’s beds.” He looks at me and smiles. “Kitty,” he says “It’s just a summer home for these people.”

I could not believe my ears. I looked at my friend searching for some sign that he was joking then said to him, “Believe me, if MY husband had this house built for me I WOULD be fucking him in that suite!”

My friend laughed out loud, gave me a hug and a gentle kiss on the lips letting his tongue just slip in and out of my mouth. He held my head in his hands,looked into my eyes and  said, “I am sure you would Kitty! I’m sure you would.”

The Cure for an Overactive Sex Drive

One of the questions that the headshrinker asked me was how I pulled myself out of my depression the last time I went through it which was several years ago.

I couldn’t remember exactly so I asked my friend if she could remember. She reminded me that I joined the gym and actually signed up for a weight loss challenge. I remembered that. I was motivated then. I had found something to care about and without even realizing it not only had I pulled myself out of my funk but also ended the winter with my very best body.

Obviously I let my guard down since then because even though I still hit the gym I gained back a good bit of the weight and feel overall shitty about myself.

So, this friend of mine, the friend who reminded me about the gym…well she just got certified for being a personal trainer. So she asked me to attend this new class that she started at the gym called Tabata. She said it was hard. She said it was painful. She said if I could walk when I was done then I wasn’t doing it right.

I said “I’m in!”

Today is the day after. I can’t move. I can walk but it’s actually more of a hobble. As I hobbled into the gym this morning at 5:30 I realized that I couldn’t fuck anybody even if I tried. The thought of throwing my legs over anybody’s shoulders makes me want to cry. The idea of getting on all fours for doggie style and/or anal sex is out of the question.

So you see? Kitty is offering a helpful hint for those of you who like me just can’t seem to get your mind off of sex. It’s called Tabata.

Girlfriends

I may have mentioned that I am surrounded by some amazing people. My friends are comprised of men and women wealthy and not so wealthy. My male friends at this point in my life know the “real” me. They know I prowl.

My girlfriends know a lot about me but surely not everything. I haven’t seen much of them lately. We are a collective group of women that have become friends through the gym. They are mostly housewives and trophy wives. Before I started working for Big Cheese, we used to see each other daily at the gym and even shared a hot young trainer.

This trainer was one of the most beautiful men physically that I have ever seen. While we all drool over him I am probably the only one of us that would not actually sleep with him given the opportunity. Ironic don’t you think?

What I WOULD like is to have some sort of sugar daddy situation where my sugar daddy talks to the trainer directly and tells him how he wants me to look. Don’t ask me why but that is a huge turn on for me. So in other words my lover would pay the trainer and say “I want you to work on trimming down her legs.” Then my hot trainer would be under orders and would train my body according to the specifications of the man who will ultimately be fucking me.

See, this is something I can say to my male friends but when I discuss it with my female friends it sounds more like this…”I need a boyfriend.” Or sometimes if they are REALLY getting “racy” I will go so far as to say “I need a sugar daddy.” Then they giggle and we move on. It has never occurred to them that I might be serious.

Yesterday I met my girlfriend for lunch after the XXX fiasco in my office. She is a trophy wife and not happy at all. I don’t blame her. She literally has to step and fetch it for her husband. I couldn’t do that, not long term anyway. So we met for lunch and talked about our situations. All of my friends and I have come to the conclusion after all these years that divorce is not the answer for us. As my friend says, “We put on our blinders and move forward.” My friends burn their frustrations off at the gym. They have beautiful figures although on occasion one becomes too thin which generally means things at home are tougher than usual.

I have chosen the prowling route. While my girlfriends are at the gym I am locked away in hotel rooms with random men. My body is not as great as it should be clearly and today I am considering spending all that time that I would ordinarily spend in hotel rooms and hit the gym instead.

Yesterday as we were saying goodbye after discussing my never ending battle to lose weight, I made the comment once again to my friend. I said “I need a sugar daddy.” She smiled and said “Yeah SURE you do.” Then I said “I’m serious.” She looked at me for some sign that I was joking. When she realized that I was more serious than not she smiled a knowing smile and said “Okay, let’s work on that.”