Thursday, December 1, 2011

“I Don’t Eat Where I Drink Coffee”

When I started my FIRST blog, the idea was that there would be no boundaries. A friend even helped me write as one of my first posts a blanket apology to anybody that I might offend along the way.

As some of you know, I still maintain my original blog but have added this “Secret Life” blog for total anonymity.

This whole sex/food thing came about months ago. A friend of mine posted a comment on his facebook about having a “Delicious cup of coffee”. I then commented that everything tastes delicious after great sex…and so the coffee reference on my facebook became ever synonymous with sex.

That same friend’s wife just noticed that the background for my original blog is all coffee beans. God I love my friends!!

So FYI coffee=sex…at least on my facebook page. My entire facebook friend list is onboard with this. Some of my other friends also have food that is synonymous with sex. I have heard pancakes. In the fall I posted a photo of a beautiful apple pie that I made. I commented “It’s a little cracked but my pie smells delicious”. Let me tell you that until that point I had never know that certain people use pie and or cookies as a term for a ladies…private area. I am certainly learning a lot from my old high school friends. The problem is they should have been teaching me in high school. I am pushing 50 for Chr*st sake I should be knowledgeable about these things!

Then of course we all know about the Altoid debauchery. If not please refer to my blog “I want to be a Sex Candy Tester”.

Yesterday I met some girlfriends on the beach. We were discussing the whole facebook /blogging thing and I told them that they had to read that sex candy blog then proceeded to go into the Altoid thing. Now my friends, these friends in particular are my very favorite real life friends. Why you ask? The bullshit factor of course. Because when one of them asked what the Altotid thing was, the other said very simply “You suck on an Altoid before you give the guy a blow job”. AWSOME!! Plain and simple…not to mention truthful. We can get so much more done if we would all just speak that succinctly.

The same friend began to tell me that a guy at work told her that if you drink pineapple juice it is supposed to make you taste better…when your partner…um…if your partner should wander down in that area…see…I am much too restrained on this blog. My friend would say “drink pineapple juice. It makes your Cooch taste better.”

I really need that direct talk because I am apparently not that quick. Another friend just told me that you are supposed to finish sucking on the Altoid before performing oral. I assumed the Altoid needed to still be in your mouth which once again was a big freakin’ mess.

One of my friends on facebook once told me “I don’t eat where I drink coffee” meaning he doesn’t bring whipped cream or food into bed for sexual pleasure. After the Altoid incident I agree with him.

Okay, so Pineapple juice for the cooch. Now this morning my wonderful friend with the coffee told me that she makes her husband eat bananas and that makes him taste sweet. Although I am so tempted to try this little experiment with Angry Guy and report back, I doubt he would ever agree to it.

So what is a girl to do? I think the readers of this blog need to try these tips this week and report back via comment. We need to discuss these issues. They are important, they are relevant and more importantly without verification I will never be able to force my husband to eat a banana EVERY SINGLE day.


Ryan Beaumont said...

Didn't Sex in the City have an episode where Samantha was making a boyfriend drink herbal smoothies with spirulina because he tasted so bad?

You are the SINTC guru, right?

Naughty Kitty said...

I can't say I am a "guru" Ryan but I thought it was the wheat grass juice that she wanted him to drink. That was also the episode where SJP sent back her rice pudding when they were discussing the issue. No wonder she was so damn skinny!

Advizor54 said...

I've heard that the pinapple juice idea works for making men taste better too. Of course, I've never tasted a man so I can't testify on that issue.

I've always thought a shower and some baby powder was plenty for everyone involved.

Naughty Kitty said...

That's for you Ryan!

Ad, I don't want to jinx anything but I've been pretty lucky so far.