I just had a “heart to heart” with my oldest son. See, when I was going to the headshrinker she mentioned that sometimes guilt triggers the kind of depression that I was experiencing. She also connected it somewhat with my son going off to college.
I began to tell her about the guilt I felt over his childhood. I have so many regrets. I feel so much guilt. I feel guilt over all sorts of things. I feel guilty for every time I yelled at him. Every time I raised my voice. I feel guilty for all the times I fussed over occasions at school functions when his father was attending. I feel guilty about putting that on him. I feel guilty for every class party every school trip and every sporting event that I missed. I just feel guilty in general for any discomfort that my sweet little boy ever had to endure. I wanted all of my children to have the fairy tale upbringing that I did and that is not at all what is going on here. I can’t protect them the way my parents protected me. Why?
Oh my kids have good lives. Their parents do not abuse them and other than his smoking neither Angry Guy or I have any substance abuse issues. We live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood. We live a simple life and for the most part are happy and healthy. But still I feel guilt.
At any rate I mentioned this to my headshrinker. She sort of smiled and reassured me that I have done nothing to feel guilty about. She told me that it is not necessary to discuss this with my son but if I felt it necessary to apologize to go ahead.
I was on the fence about the whole thing and then today we went to lunch. My son knows how I feel about Angry Guy. He knows that I love Angry Guy but we both agree that maybe I am just not cut out to be married…to anybody. I am just not good at answering to anybody for my actions. So while we were at lunch I mentioned my sadness and I mentioned the headshrinker. I could tell he was uncomfortable so we cut the conversation short.
Later in the evening I was helping my son list something on eBay. Somehow we got to talking and I said it. I told him I felt guilty. He looked at me to see if I was serious but I began to tear up immediately. He tried to quickly brush it off and say “don’t worry about it. I’m fine. Everything worked out.”
Something about my body language must have told him I didn’t believe him because he stood over me as I sat at my computer and tried his hardest to hug me. It was awkward. He is so damn skinny and boney and tall. We don’t fit together like we used to. He became a man just like that. When did my sweet little boy become a man?
Merry Christmas everybody. Today Naughty Kitty is just plain “Mommy”. Tomorrow is another story.