The Hug

 

Today would have been our twenty fifth wedding anniversary…I mean with Angry Guy. In the past when he was alive, I’d post something snarky on Facebook about how “Today would have been our ___ anniversary. Today I am celebrating that it is NOT.” I don’t feel mean and angry like that anymore.

The other day a song came on Spotify that made me think of him. Well to be fair a lot of songs on Spotify remind me of him since I made up the playlist. The playlist is not exclusively songs that we shared or that remind me of him. It’s made up of hundreds of songs that I just happen to like but for some reason a handful continue to replay and they happen to either be from the time period when we were at our best…or worst or from a CD that he bought me for my birthday, valentines day…whatever.  He bought me “Abbey Road” partially because he knew I’d love it which I did but also because it was not as offensive to him as the other music, I enjoyed so to him it was a win win.

I do not even remember which song I heard the other day that reminded me of Angry Guy but I began to tear up. I started remembering.

Sometimes at the end of the day when I was at the kitchen sink, he’d come up behind me and jokingly rub up against me. I say jokingly because it never led to anything. I always wanted it to but he was just teasing. Those were the days that I craved his attention…the days when I started to seek out attention from other men.

In the car, I remembered those nights. I tried to remember how it felt for him to touch me. He was big and forceful but I cannot feel him anymore. Maybe that is what started me thinking. I thought to myself and tried to remember if when he was behind me at the kitchen sink if I ever turned around and just hugged him.

I remember at our wedding the justice of the peace told us to look into each other’s eyes and remember how we were feeling so that during the bad times we would remember and find each other again. And now I am thinking what would have happened if I had turned around at the kitchen sink and wrapped my arms around Angry Guy and just hugged him.

Back then I remember being angry. I remember being desperate for attention. I remember being desperate to feel a hard cock inside of me. I remember getting to a point where I didn’t care if it was his or someone else’s hard cock.

And now I wonder if I had just turned around one of those times at the kitchen sink, looked him in the eyes as we had done at our wedding, wrapped my arms around him and hugged him how things would be different today.

To be fair that simply is not realistic. We had so many other problems. Sex was simply a symptom. I do find in interesting however that as time marches on, the bad memories seem to fade and the good memories push forward in my mind. Am I insane?