Thursday, June 7, 2012

Recital Rants

The past couple of days have been filled with concerts, recitals and school plays. The other night we were at my daughter’s recital. Angry Guy and I were sitting side by side but texting each other about the various dancers.  The recital was long and Angry Guy was particularly angry so the texting was a welcome distraction.
Then XXX sent me a text. It wasn’t particularly inappropriate. It turns out his wife showed up at their son’s play with her first ex-husband. WHAT A CUNT!! Poor XXX. I knew he was feeling bad and of course I couldn’t see him in person so I was trying to make him laugh by texting him whatever I could think of. I told him I would go beat the shit out of her if that would make him feel better. I invited him and his son to join us for ice cream after our marathon recital. I couldn’t help but feel like I had to turn his mood around or he would go on a drinking binge. We really didn’t send that many texts back and forth and then I received a text from Angry Guy that said
“Are you texting XXX?” SHIT! Fucking Angry Guy needs reading glasses for just about EVERYTHING and NOW all of a sudden he can see who I am texting?!??!?!?!?
At intermission I tried to explain what was going on and of course Angry Guy couldn’t have cared less. We didn’t talk about it and thankfully he cooled down and I made a mental note to be even more careful.
I thought about Hammer A LOT this weekend. I didn’t really expect to hear from him but he did shoot me a quick email on Saturday which was nice. I began thinking that it’s good that we only see each other every couple of weeks. Things with Angry Guy should calm down by the next time I see Hammer.
Part of me thought if Angry Guy said anything I would confess to him that I am really not into this whole celibate, monogamous marriage thing. Oh I would never tell him what I have been up to NEVER. But I thought if he asked me if I wanted to split up I would possibly go for it. No such luck. And once he calmed down I thought better of it.
On Sunday I helped a friend of mine out at a recital that she produces. She told me about another woman that I knew who committed suicide over the winter. The idea was devastating to me. See, this is exactly why I don’t want to rock the boat with Angry Guy. I would be afraid of what he might do. I fear less about him hurting me than hurting himself. It’s just not worth it for me. I just want to make the best of things here.
My friend…the one at the recital…her husband is a jerk. She and I are in similar situations. She separated from her husband but simply couldn’t afford it. They reconciled and I know she is making the best of it for her children but like me she wishes she didn’t have to.
Everybody is different. We are just doing what we have to for our kids. I wonder if it is more selfish for me to steal those precious hours with Hammer or to ask Angry Guy for a divorce. I still don’t think divorce is the answer here. I still have faith that things will work out for the best. So for the time being…

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