Monday, June 18, 2012

Lottery Ticket

I bought a lottery ticket this morning. Don’t ask me why. I suppose I am hoping my luck is changing although deep down I don’t really believe in luck as much as I believe in karma. Damn I am about to get hit with a big bad karma SHIT STORM!

I know that what I am doing here is completely selfish and wrong for everybody but me. I know because everybody tells me…Angry Guy, my family. The funny thing is that the people who know me the best are all saying the same thing “I am sad but not surprised.”

Angry Guy is completely caught off guard. There are moments when I think I am going insane because I THINK I have made my feelings abundantly clear to him and he will say something like “This is coming out of left field.”

But then last night for instance one of my friends said “I have known you were unhappy in your marriage since 2009.” So maybe I am not going crazy.

I realize I have no support in my decision. I’ve gone through this before. I learned that people get scared. I don’t know what it is but nobody wants to be a part of divorce. They immediately assume you want them to take your side.

Things don’t look good for my side. As Angry Guy says “It’s not like I hit you or anything.” So…I should stay based on that?!?!?!

Damn, that’s just another example of the fact that he hasn’t been paying very close attention. He should know that I am a hell of a lot more demanding than to settle for a guy whose best quality is that he doesn’t beat me.

I have to say that things have changed a lot since my first divorce. Although I know what’s ahead its still hard. I am the bad guy here. There is no question. As Angry Guy said, “you are a MONSTER! You are breaking up a family for no good reason.”

I apologize for my blog being so dismal lately. I promise things will change. Some of my friends have already told me that I look amazing, meaning that I no longer look like I have been verbally beaten before I even leave the house. I am going to the gym and eating right.  I even lost some weight this week. The kids and I have managed to eat relatively and I steered clear of desserts at night.

I see some happiness at the end of this journey. I feel an enormous amount of guilt for what I have done to go out and get it though.

Who knows, maybe that lottery ticket is a sign. Stranger things have happened.


WestsideTori said...

Never mind what anyone else says. You know what went on in your marriage and they don't. Remember that. And like I told you last week, stop saying you're being selfish.

Naughty Kitty said...

Thank you I appreciate that but for every one person who tells me I am not selfish there are another 3 that disagree. Once this is all settled I will finally be able to get my head together. I assure you my self esteem will sky rocket. XXX is already boosting my self esteem by telling me "once you are on the market you will be a hot commodity." I don't necessarily agree but it sure is nice to hear once in a while.

surftoy said...

Your not being selfish, if anything your your being selfless, is that a word? You are,willing to go through the pain, the criticisim , all the bs so that you and your kids can live in a healthier enviorment . You are setting an example for your kids, that you do not have to endure an abusive, loveless relationship,sometimes you have to make tough choices . I have told you more than once to get out .