I bought a lottery ticket
this morning. Don’t ask me why. I suppose I am hoping my luck is changing
although deep down I don’t really believe in luck as much as I believe in
karma. Damn I am about to get hit with a big bad karma SHIT STORM!
I know that what I am doing
here is completely selfish and wrong for everybody but me. I know because everybody
tells me…Angry Guy, my family. The funny thing is that the people who know me
the best are all saying the same thing “I am sad but not surprised.”
Angry Guy is completely
caught off guard. There are moments when I think I am going insane because I
THINK I have made my feelings abundantly clear to him and he will say something
like “This is coming out of left field.”
But then last night for
instance one of my friends said “I have known you were unhappy in your marriage
since 2009.” So maybe I am not going crazy.
I realize I have no support
in my decision. I’ve gone through this before. I learned that people get
scared. I don’t know what it is but nobody wants to be a part of divorce. They
immediately assume you want them to take your side.
Things don’t look good for my
side. As Angry Guy says “It’s not like I hit you or anything.” So…I should stay
based on that?!?!?!
Damn, that’s just another
example of the fact that he hasn’t been paying very close attention. He should
know that I am a hell of a lot more demanding than to settle for a guy whose
best quality is that he doesn’t beat me.
I have to say that things
have changed a lot since my first divorce. Although I know what’s ahead its
still hard. I am the bad guy here. There is no question. As Angry Guy said, “you
are a MONSTER! You are breaking up a family for no good reason.”
I apologize for my blog being
so dismal lately. I promise things will change. Some of my friends have already
told me that I look amazing, meaning that I no longer look like I have been
verbally beaten before I even leave the house. I am going to the gym and eating
right. I even lost some weight this week.
The kids and I have managed to eat relatively and I steered clear of desserts
at night.
I see some happiness at the
end of this journey. I feel an enormous amount of guilt for what I have done to
go out and get it though.
Who knows, maybe that lottery
ticket is a sign. Stranger things have happened.
3 comments:
Never mind what anyone else says. You know what went on in your marriage and they don't. Remember that. And like I told you last week, stop saying you're being selfish.
Thank you I appreciate that but for every one person who tells me I am not selfish there are another 3 that disagree. Once this is all settled I will finally be able to get my head together. I assure you my self esteem will sky rocket. XXX is already boosting my self esteem by telling me "once you are on the market you will be a hot commodity." I don't necessarily agree but it sure is nice to hear once in a while.
Your not being selfish, if anything your your being selfless, is that a word? You are,willing to go through the pain, the criticisim , all the bs so that you and your kids can live in a healthier enviorment . You are setting an example for your kids, that you do not have to endure an abusive, loveless relationship,sometimes you have to make tough choices . I have told you more than once to get out .
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