Making Things Right With God

This morning I took a long walk on the beach while my kids were in Sunday school. The beach on a Sunday morning has become my church. My friend wanted me to meet her to discuss some business ideas that she had. She said it was too cold for the beach. I told her I “needed” to go and that was that.

When I went to pick my kids up I ran into a friend and the Clergy’s wife who I have become quite friendly with over the past few years. We began talking. I told them that I wanted to start a business. Somehow we began talking about marriages and husbands when my Clergyman’s wife said, “You need to have an affair.”

Then she looked at me and said “Would you consider that?” I said, “Yes”. She said, “Have you ever had an affair?” I said “yes." She said, “In this marriage?” I said “yes”. Then proceeded to tell her about my latest situation. She had no reaction as far as judgment. My friend on the other hand had shrunk back against the wall we were leaning against. I am not sure if she was shocked or interested.

The Clergyman’s wife continued to ask me questions one right after another. She was intrigued. I explained that this latest affair was over and I told her a little about it. Much to my surprise she said I needed more of a “boy toy” someone without a family or obligations that I could have random sex with. Does anybody else see the irony of a clergyman’s wife advising a congregant on how to properly carry on an affair?

I told her that I am looking for the emotion. Yes, I am looking for the love that goes along with the sex. At this moment her husband walked out. The three of us smiled at him as he walked by. He handed me a flyer and gave me a kiss. His wife smiled a devilish smile. She knew my secret. I asked her to please not tell him. She agreed and I am sure she won’t tell.

In the meantime as I told her the story of the affair and how this particular person pursued me until he got me then dumped me. She immediately understood. She agreed that he wanted to meet me to put his own mind at rest. This meeting had nothing to do with my mental health in fact it is only prolonging my agony and he knows this. I am not sure exactly what pleasure he gets out of my pain but the vote is unanimous.

I know she is right about everything. I had a feeling that this was what was going on. I just hate myself for falling for it again.

Then I began talking to the Clergy’s wife about God and how I failed as a good person and a good servant to God. “You are a wonderful person,” she said. “You don’t deserve to be treated badly by anybody. You will be forgiven by God. Mark my words.”

When I got home my friend who had been standing in the corner listening quietly had texted me. She said she is here for me if I need her. I apologized and told her I hope she doesn’t have bad feelings about me now that she knows. She will always see me that way now. I know that. If God can forgive me, can she?