Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Where Do I Go From Here?

Rav and I had a coffee date set up. It would be 2 weeks since our encounter. I knew something was up almost right away. Over the four weeks before our encounter we exchanged nearly 300 emails and a countless number of texts. Rav was even texting me from the UK and emailing me from Japan and then after our encounter…nothing.

Well, there was an email telling me that he removed his profile from Ashley Madison. At first I took that as a sign that he was following through with our discussions about being exclusive to one another but as the days passed I began to get that feeling again…you know…that feeling of rejection.

I tried really hard not to contact Rav and not to be too needy but I thought things would be different with him. I thought I could trust him. Mainly because in several of his emails to me he wrote "Things will be different with me. You can trust me."

I finally broke down and texted him. He texted back that he was swamped at work and could we meet for coffee. He said we “should talk”. All I heard/read was “we should meet someplace public so I can dump you and you won’t make a scene.”

I ran this by XXX. I know, RIGHT! XXX and I are friends again. This is just the type of thing I would ordinarily run past him anyway so I did only it’s even more fun because I have seen him naked. Also I can say things like “you dumped me. What were you thinking when you did it?” I think he was honestly trying to be optimistic on my behalf, but let’s face it he dumped me so he probably identified more with Rav than with me.

I have to say that one thing XXX said which seemed sincere was, “You are desirable on so many levels.” Don’t ask my why I think he is sincere when he says this over everything else. Maybe it is the way he says it. Maybe it is the way he looks at me when he says it. Maybe it was the fact that he has said it to me before, during, and after our affair.

I also think it’s ironic that Rav was comforting me through the whole XXX thing and now XXX is comforting over the Rav situation. See, that’s why I love having men for friends.

At any rate XXX made a few suggestions some good some not so good. But this morning when I woke up I couldn’t take it anymore. I texted Rav and asked if we could meet someplace “private’ which was my way of saying I needed to “get some”. The texts that followed finally led to the reality which was that Rav believes he is not cut out for “the life”. Funny, neither am I.

He said he still wanted to meet for coffee to talk. Somehow I was able to take a step back and agreed thinking to myself at least I know this is going to end up being completely platonic. If I know upfront I will be okay. I told that to Rav and I meant it. All of my other bloggin' buddies tell me that I am crazy to do it. They say it is a set-up.

Sure, my feelings are hurt but I also realize that I am not cut out for this life either. I had just come to the realization that an exclusive relationship with Rav would actually be the perfect scenario for me. I could be done with meeting random men in hotels and he and I could meet between his business trips which seemed to be about once a month. This would be perfect on several levels.

In the meantime when Rav and I were texting back and forth I was walking into work and ran right into XXX. We said good morning and he noticed me texting. I gave him the quick and dirty. He made that faux concerned face that I can’t stand then said “did he send you flowers?”

I said, “no but he gave me 4 orgasms which is much better if you ask me.”

XXX looked at me again in disbelief then smiled again realizing that he hadn’t even done that much for me in all the times we had fucked.

We each went to our offices as I thought “what a jackass XXX is. What did I ever see in him”?

I turned on my computer and emailed XXX “WTF, YOU never sent me flowers”

A few minutes later I got an email back from him, “LOL!”

Then I couldn’t help myself and I emailed “In the meantime I thought of a great business idea...I can be the catalyst that sends men back to their wives.”

To which XXX replied “you should be at the Improv!”

So now I ask you, where do I go from here?


Advizor54 said...

What next? You meet for coffee, you listen, you don't react too quickly or emotionally, and you realize that if neither one of you are ready for "the lifestyle" than is bettet that you discuss it up front. That way you can remember the 4 with a smile.

Naughty Kitty said...

It's the "upfront" part that becomes a problem for the men in my life. I just discussed this with XXX. I am not defending him but in his case I guessed before he had the chance to tell me what was going on. This occurred at work. I know he would have told me privately.

If you communicate constantly with someone then completely drop off the face of the earth, that is not being "upfront". An example of being "Upfront" in this situation would be shooting me email #301 the next day saying "Listen, I have been having a difficult time with the guilt aspect of what we have done and would like to talk over coffee."

At first I thought I was losing my mind or reading into some of his earlier emails. XXX read one or two and agreed that they were completely misleading.

Anyway, thanks for your advice Ad. I will take you up on it should the invitation present itself again.

Advizor54 said...

I agree that the total lack of communication after the events makes it hard to deal with. Everyone deals with guilt differently and he may have been surprised and just how guilty he felt.

When reading past e-mails, remember, that most of us are very sincere when we write them, but reality changes everything...

Naughty Kitty said...

I know you are right Ad and they do seem sincere but if you saw the well thought out plan you would find it difficult to believe that this was his first affair.

I showed XXX one or two of them and he nearly fell off of his chair. They were well thought out and like freakin' contracts. The only thing he left out was what I am supposed to do in this situation.

Personally I think cutting off communication is the worse thing you can do. Doesn't it make more sense to share you feelings with the one person who knows your secret?

Regardless, what's done is done and it is time to move on. I am fortunate enough to have friends and blog friends to bounce ideas off of. That helps alot.

Thank you Ad, you are a doll!

Advizor54 said...

You are right, if you can see a pattern of writing that shows he was lying that changes the whole thing.

And, if I'm a doll, I want to be this one:

Naughty Kitty said...

I don't think he was lying but we did discuss guilt before hand. Now keep in mind that this guy is a high profile executive who was on AM for MONTHS before he came across me. I just think the contrast in communication is astounding.