My Letter to XXX

I came across this the other day. It’s the letter that I wrote to XXX and gave to him just hours before he agreed to reconcile with his wife. She pushed him away for nearly three years and decided right after I poured my heart out to XXX that she would take him back. Is that irony or what?

Now that XXX and I are friends again I can read this letter and not be angry. My anger stemmed from letting myself love him when I knew deep down how things would end.

After talking to XXX I have come to the realization that my ability to love is not a handicap. My ability to love is a gift. Anybody who receives that love from me should honor it. Shame on them if they don’t.

One of the things that I did love about XXX is that I could and still can express my feelings honestly around him. He didn’t make me feel embarrassed for saying I loved him. Well, maybe just a little but from the beginning of our affair right up to just the other day he told me that he “cares” for me. There was never any doubt in my mind about this. As he said the other day, he has to see where this thing with his wife leads him. I agree. He really does need to exhaust every avenue before they get a divorce. He seems pretty realistic about whether things will work out. He is not living in a fantasy and yes, he has admitted that the idea of her fucking her ex-husband will always be a question in his mind.

Even though XXX and I will not ever go back to being lovers, we have reclaimed our friendship. And so I am sharing this letter. The context has changed but the sentiment remains.

There is so much I want to tell you and as much as we talk I never feel like I ever get the chance to tell you everything that I want to. First of all, I adore you. I can’t help it. I feel very close to you.  I just do and yet when I think about you I get sad. You always seem to be sad about us. I am not sure if it is guilt or obligation on your part. The thing is that I know you say that you don’t want to hurt me. I believe you are sincere and of course I never want to hurt you. I truly want you to be happy. If you are happy with me then that is great. If you decide to move on and date or reconcile with [your cunt wife] then I will not stand in your way. I just want you to tell me as soon as that point comes. Let me worry about being hurt. I will be fine. Sure I may be hurt but I will also recover. I do not want to be a burden to you. That is my worst fear in our relationship. I don’t want you to be with me just because you are afraid to hurt my feelings. You have so many other things in your life to worry about. I want our time together to be fun and happy. I don’t want it to be another worry for you especially now.

I understand what you are going through with the loss of your father. It is a terrible feeling. I was a basket case when my father passed away. Time will heal some of the pain. Please take comfort in that.

Our relationship is a blessing to me. I am happy to have you in my life whether it be working together, our friendship or our love affair. I will take any or all of it. I missed you terribly when you were away. I know that you hate living here but I am thankful that you are back. I want us to move forward and be happy for the time we have together for as long as we have it. I love you and I am here for you as much or as little as you need me.

Xoxoxo

It has taken several weeks for me to come back here. When I read these words I can only say, if I had it to do over again. I would. I am a woman who is open to love. I love my husband, I love my kids, and I love my friends. I do not regret giving this to XXX. Someday I hope to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with a true lover. I am not giving up hope. I believe in love.