This morning Kitty woke up in my usual frisky mood. No, I haven’t gotten any sleep and yes, I am still celibate. I have to say that the craters under my eyes have reached a new depth.
Yesterday I was in XXX’s office neighborhood and had to kill some time. He was working and his legal assistant was there so I asked if I could just sit and read. “Mi Casa su casa,” he said. So I sat side by side with XXX reading while he worked. We sat in silence which was sort of nice although I longed for him to turn to me and say “Let’s take a nap.” Which is his way of saying,” Let’s go to my place and fuck.”
I remembered an occasion when he actually did say that and we did fuck. I remember lying in bed with him then and feeling so relaxed and peaceful. I told him that. It was as though lying naked in his arms in his bed was my happy place…at least until he started to talk about serious things. That made me sad.
So this morning I dressed in my sexy jeans, boots, tight Christmas top from Angry Guy (which he didn’t even recognize this morning by the way), black bra and panties. Sure, I know the chances of ending up in bed with XXX this afternoon are slim to none but I feel sexier and for some reason can talk to XXX differently when I feel this way.
On my way to work I began to think about XXX and writing about him. Initially I was thinking about what a great catch he is for some lucky single woman. He is handsome, funny, well educated, makes a nice living, generous with his money and his heart and a faithful husband. I wish I were single because I would snatch him up in a second. I also started to think about fidelity. I often wonder if I could EVER be faithful to one man. Deep down I think I can. There is a part of me that thinks I could be faithful to XXX.
Last night when we were talking, we were talking about traveling. God, I would LOVE to travel with XXX. I think we would have an amazing time together. XXX admits that he and I would be a perfect couple in a legitimate world. The problem is that I am not looking to change my marital situation. I am not going to divorce Angry Guy so the potential for XXX and me to end up together happily ever after is non-existent. In addition, I have the karma thing going on. See, even though he doesn’t dwell on it, XXX comes from an EXTREMELY religious background. While he never preaches to me, he believes in fidelity for himself and so has kept pious all of these years with what has been going on with his wife. I am on the opposite extreme and he knows it. During that Ashley Madison period I would pretty much fuck any guy that was breathing with an erection. My point is that XXX has good karma and even though he is going through a hard time right now I truly believe that he is going to end up with a wonderful woman. Me on the other hand…well…my karma in the long run will not be good I am afraid.
Another thing I was thinking about was what a great catch XXX is except for the fact that his wife totally fucked him in the head. And now to make matters worse their son is having difficulties and so now XXX’s “cunt wife” has managed to fuck up SEVERAL men (XXX, her son from her first marriage and her little boy with XXX). That just pisses Kitty off because good men are so hard to find. It kills me that another woman fucks these guys up.
So basically this morning I went from waking up in a relatively good mood to sadness over XXX. This is the same sadness I felt when XXX and I were fucking. It was a sadness of lost hopes, dreams…lost potential. It was a sadness for the life that I might have had, could have had, will never have.
Today, I am bipolar Kitty.