Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Kitty's Mind Games

Kitty didn’t get any sleep last night. For those of you who don’t know me my bed is an absolute circus once the lights go out. For one we have this crazy dog that loves to hunt for the cat that lives under my bed. For another, Angry Guy is up and down all night either to go get a cigarette or let the dog out or whatever. Last night was worse than ever because on top of everything I was having nightmares. I kept dreaming that we were being evacuated and I had to get to the cat and the dog that were in two different apartments. I have no idea what the significance of the dreams is but it left me rattled and un-rested this morning.

When I lie awake at night I try to think about those warm September days when I would go to XXX’s place. I would tap on the front door and he would answer. Sometimes he was shirtless wearing only a pair of cargo shorts. He would smile and his crystal blue eyes would sparkle as he let me in. I walked immediately toward the kitchen counter to put down my phone, my keys and my sunglasses as XXX stood in front of me ready to give me that first welcome kiss before we walked upstairs to his bedroom together. Those were fond memories and a part of me would love to start again.

The wonderful thing about my relationship with XXX is that we don’t play games. If I want to know what he wants I ask him. He is fairly clear about what he wants out of our relationship although we both agree that we don’t know what the future holds for us as a couple. The thing is that XXX is so caught up in playing a mind game with his wife that I almost HAVE to play too. I notice for instance that I get more attention from XXX when I back off from the emails, the mid morning visits to his office and the after work texts. When I lay off he initiates although when I initiate he is always pleasant and receptive.

I was reading some of my old posts from the past few months with XXX. I was amazed to see how some of my posts were full of love when XXX and I were together, then they were full of disgust, then indifference and now somehow we are back to love. I realized this morning that I am feeling for XXX the way I tell myself to feel. When we are at work we act professionally. When I look into his eyes I can see more…or not depending on what I tell myself.

I think for now I have to take a step back and “regroup” as Bad Boy has said. XXX needs to work this thing out with his wife and I need to stop myself from initiating. If he wants me he knows where to find me and he will, he has before. But for now Kitty just needs a rest.

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