The other day after "XXX" ( he asked me to refer to him as "XXX" in my blog and me being the people pleaser that I am will oblige) and I fucked for the first time as we were getting dressed he said “It’s going to be hard not to fall in love with you, J”.
To which my reply was “Oh, I’m SURE you’ll manage. Most men do.”
"XXX" and I have been friends for nearly a year now and although we have spoken frankly about most things including sex, love, marriage I held certain information back from him because, well I didn’t want him to think badly of me and because he is one of my bosses.
Oh yeah I never mentioned that I would email him at work and try to be somewhat flirty. I would write “Do you want me today?” Meaning of course, do you have work for me to do?
It was my little way of having fun with him although his responses were always appropriate so I figured he was not picking up on the flirtation. Several months later he mentioned that our emails back and forth are being monitored by one of my co-workers whose job is explicitly to monitor for all sorts of inappropriate behaviors, emails, telephone conversations, even personal conversations. Need-less-to-say once "XXX" told me this, my flirtatious emails stopped.
So, our legal monitor would have a freakin’ field day with what is going on between "XXX" and me at this point.
Anyway, somehow I got off point. This all happened so fast with "XXX" that I did not have time to fully disclose my Ashley Madison activity and once the “love” comment flew out of his mouth I began to have regrets. I didn’t regret sleeping with him. I regretted the tangled web that I was now involved in with other potential lovers on AM and of course G.
I had just confirmed a lunch date this week with someone who I was really looking forward to meeting. I asked several online friends what they thought I should do. Should I cancel my lunch date or wait until Monday to see if "XXX" had regrets and wanted to back out of the whole deal.
Initially that is exactly what I thought would happen. Because if "XXX"’s personal history I did not want to sneak around. I felt that he was vulnerable and I did not want to be yet another cunt to cheat on him.
I couldn’t stop thinking about "XXX" all weekend. I finally broke down and texted him Saturday just telling him that I was thinking about him even though we agreed that we would not text, email or call each other. He texted back not right away saying that he was thinking about me all weekend.
Oh boy, he wasn’t having regrets. That was good but it was bad. I began to think of our relationship. I began to understand what he meant by love. My feelings for him are strong. We are friends and even before we slept together I had feelings for him. I
wanted want the best for him. I want him to find true love. Isn’t that what real friends feel for one another? We simply took it to the next level.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I kept thinking that I needed to come clean with "XXX" about what really happened on AM. He stopped me short when we were discussing it in bed the other day and I got the impression after re-reading his email that he had no idea that I actually acted on some encounters. I imagined how I would tell him. I imagined the words I would use and his reaction. Would he be less hurt if I told him before we fuck or should I tell him when we are done and still lying in bed. He could rub my clit again and I could tell him the whole story while kissing him. That would work, right? Either way, I was going to confess on Monday.
This morning I texted him again and said “good morning”. He responded and we went back and forth a little then at one point he texted “Can you call me?”
I happened to be walking alone so I went ahead and called him. He could tell that something was up. He could tell from my voice so I said “I need to be upfront with you about a few things because I don’t believe in lying by omission.”
I know people like that by the way. People who intentionally withhold information then when the other person says “why didn’t you tell me?” they say “you never asked.” Okay, that’s bullshit!
I cancelled my Tuesday lunch. I felt bad about cancelling but as I explained, I didn’t want to lead THAT guy on. He thanked me for emailing and not standing him up.
As difficult as it was I got everything that I needed to confess out. I told "XXX" about the Tuesday lunch that I cancelled and I also told him about G. I even told him that I am not ready to call it quits with G.
I expected this to be it but "XXX" took it well. He admitted that it would bother him but that he did not want to control me and so our time together will be our time. I agreed entirely with him and stressed that I wanted him to continue to date and be honest about it. I do want him to find true love. I really do.
"XXX" ended our conversation with a comment like “This is going to be a wonderful love affair.” And for the first time all weekend I agreed.