Friday, May 4, 2012

Sex Candy Tester

Kitty is in the heat of this new project so now is when I need my buddies the most. By "buddies" I mean all of you. I am re-posting this. It's one of my first blogs and was written well before I met Ashley Madison. I hope you enjoy it.

A few weeks ago one of my friends made a comment on facebook about Altoids. After a few back and forth remarks and a little online research I found out that apparently if one sucks on an Altoid prior to giving one’s partner oral gratification the peppermint supposedly adds to the pleasure of the person receiving the gratification.
Wow, that was tough to write. I am trying to keep this at an “R” rating but I suppose writing about being a sex candy tester in the first place brings everything up to an “X” to “XXX” rating from the get go.

Okay, out of respect to my beloved partner I will not go into graphic detail. Suffice it to say that he did not seem to notice a difference and in fact the damn Altoid flew out of my mouth into the bed and made a huge mess for me to deal with in the morning. We are getting up there in years so the time to do this crap has apparently passed me by because I no longer have patience for additional laundry specifically sheets.
So I made a remark on facebook about the experiment going a rye and a friend of mine sent me a website where you can purchase all sorts of sex toys and more specifically sex CANDY.

I had no idea there was SUCH a variety out there. Where the hell have I been? Okay, well now that I have discovered it I have lots of questions that the website does not address.

I am wondering if I could perhaps be a Sex Candy tester. That is a job title, right? I mean somebody has to test these things. They can’t just put them out on the market can they? Are they FDA approved?

Now my financial background definitely comes in handy in other aspects of my life. Is it my financial background or my obsessive compulsive tendencies but at any rate I have considered this testing job and planned out my strategy given the opportunity.

First of all I would make up a spreadsheet. I gotta say I LOVE a good spreadsheet. That is obviously where my financial background comes in handy. The spreadsheet would help me by listing the type and/or name of the candy. I would document the intended outcome for instance is the candy supposed to be sweet, sour. Is the candy supposed to enhance arousal etc?

I would then document what people REALLY need to know. Does the candy make a mess? Does the candy actually taste good, does the candy produce the advertised satisfaction? Most importantly as I have come to appreciate through my newfound love of diet and fitness…is the candy low calorie or sugar free?

Really these things are the important things that need to be addressed when producing sex candy, at least in my opinion. So if there are any sex candy manufacturers out there who need responsible testers please feel free to contact me. Oh, and as always if there are any sex candy manufacturers that would like to sponsor my blog I will be happy to test and endorse your products IF of course they live up to “industry standards.”


Anonymous said...

Well I'll go on the record and step up to the plate and be your counter part for this research so we can try all these candies on each other.


Naughty Kitty said...

You are off to a good start Hammer. I've been enjoying your chocolate BALLS all week ;)

Ben said...

Kitty -- First, didn't you promise me that I could be your chocolate tester? We'll test in a hotel, and they can worry about the sheets.

Second, since you got into the geeky world of spreadsheets, I'll get into my geeky world of text analytics. Computers can do amazing things. You could simply ask your testers to write a short commentary on their experiences with candy A, B, or C. We can run the comments through a text analytics machine, and put up a word cloud to capture the results.

Naughty Kitty said...

A promise IS a promise Ben but didn't you tell me to find myself a local, "regular" playmate?

Ben said...

Yes, my dear, you need and deserve a local playmate. I am not jealous. Try to find one who will share on occasion ;-)

Naughty Kitty said...

LOL! No problem with that. I think Kitty is a little too much for the boys around here to handle.