Forgiving XXX The Final Chapter

Today may very well be one of the worst days of my life. What the hell am I talking about? I have been through worse. I have lost a marriage. I lost my father. I lost a baby for God’s sake! I refuse to let this drag me down. I REFUSE!

In all honesty I have also been through something very similar to this several years ago. I was a basket case then much like I am a basket case today. The people around me think I am having a nervous breakdown. I literally sat at Big Cheese’s desk today with tears running down my face. Poor Big Cheese. He didn’t know what the hell to do for me and had no clue what was really going on.

The good news is, having gone through this before I do know that things will get better. The trick is to do or think about something else in the meantime. And by the way any of your advice (now that we have come to the place that you all warned me we would come to) is greatly appreciated. I want XXX to be a distant memory like YESTERDAY!

This afternoon when I was supposed to meet with XXX I emailed him:

Not going to be in today

His response was

 No problem.

Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?

You are a dear friend, and I want to help you.

To which my response was:

It’s over. I don’t want to discuss it any further

Except I did. By the time I got home, ate lunch and changed to walk the dog I DID want to discuss it. I wanted to fucking blast him. I want his fucking dick to fall off when he is fucking his cunt wife.

So being the idiot that I am I call him. And he answers in a fucking condescending tone of voice that tells me he FEELS SORRY for me. Like his life is so fucking great now. And I vent and I blow up and tell him all the things that I know I shouldn’t but I do. And he listens patiently and makes fucking statements like “You are a good person” and “This is cold comfort but…”

Then I sink as low as I can and say “You are going to be sitting at Thanksgiving dinner with your family and her first Ex Husband and you are always going to wonder.” Then I threw in “Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater and BELIEVE me, I know!” His responses were all very calm like he was getting off on my anger. Like it was a huge ego boost for him.

And so here I am a blubbering mess. Everyone warned me. EVERYONE!! The hysterical thing about all this is that the sex was good but it wasn’t the BEST sex I ever had. It felt good but I can’t remember having one good orgasm. So what the fuck am I so sad about?

Another thing is we would fuck and he would blubber on about his wife or one of his fucking Match.com dates and every time he asked if it bothered me I acted so fucking stupid and said “No, we are friends. You can talk to me about this.” But it was all a lie. Every time he talked about his wife after we fucked it was like a knife in my heart. Every time he told me about a date he had and all the expensive restaurants he took these women to…well…more stabs.

OH! And every fucking time we met all he talked about was hurting me WHEN it’s over!!!

Now listen, Naughty Kitty is not a cold hearted bitch…well not all the time. And yes, I’ll admit that I will get some satisfaction out of knowing that he can’t get an erection when it is time to fuck her or that he can’t cum and she doesn’t have the patience of a saint like I did.

But Naughty Kitty is a forgiving Kitty and so I want to forgive XXX.

XXX, I know you are not reading this but if you were I would say:

1.     I forgive you for approaching me to start this affair when you knew it would be a disaster.

2.     I forgive you for using the word “Love” and letting me believe it and then pulling the rug out from under me.

3.     I forgive you for giving me confidence and then pulling the rug out from under me just as easily.

4.     I forgive you for fucking me and two hours later reconciling with your wife who up until now you referred to as your “Cunt Wife”.

5.     I forgive you for taking and taking and taking and taking and never giving back in our friendship. Did you EVER listen to me whining about anything???? I'll take that as a NO!

6.     I forgive you for all the times you went on and on about your wife and the women you were dating while I lie naked in your bed and not realizing how incredibly hurtful that was even though I told you it wasn’t.

7.     I forgive you for not making sure I have an orgasm. NOT EVEN ONCE you selfish fucking bastard!

8.     I forgive you for scaring the piss out of me in order to prevent me from communicating with you by email, phone or text by convincing me that my husband was tracking me when in reality you didn't want me to have anything to hold over your head.

9.     I forgive you for telling me that you missed me and loved me just to appease me when you never fucking did.

10.   I forgive you for jerking off and or drinking before we fucked so that you had a hard time cumming and leaving me to fucking work my ass off to get you there. Good luck getting your fucking wife who doesn’t want to fuck you in the first place to do the shit I did for you.

11.   I forgive you for covering your tracks so well so I have nothing to ever show that you may have cared even just a little bit about me not a text, not an email, not a piece of jewelry, not a fucking breath mint…NOTHING!

12.    I forgive you for saying you want to be friends knowing full well that it is just for the sake of easing your conscience and not because you ACTUALLY want to be friends with me. You'll go a long way to find a friend like me you fucking selfish asshole!

13.   I forgive you for leaving me a mess and carrying on with your day as happy as a clam because you’re going back to your Cunt Wife.

14.    I forgive you for single handedly turning this relatively happy, strong, intelligent, professional woman into the mess that I am right this minute. As I told you on the phone, I WILL NOT let YOU take me down. I WILL NOT let YOU hurt me.

15.    XXX I forgive you for being SO FUCKING SMUG over this whole thing like you get off on my pain. I hope you never have another erection again and I hope in less than 2 months you find yourself right back to where you were before that fateful day that you dragged me down into the gutter with you.

I hope your wife goes back to fucking her ex husband again and even if she doesn’t I hope you live the rest of your life with her wondering if she is.

16.  Lastly, I forgive myself for being so incredibly STUPID and going against EVERY SINGLE RULE to have a relationship with you that I knew was doomed from the start. I will NEVER be that stupid again.

It’s all about forgiveness people.